Infuriating Furious Bits....

2007-03-31T11:45:00.000-07:00

I miss this old blog. I do. I felt more free here. The Orble thing just isn't working out for me, and honestly I feel stuck. Sometimes I feel like I'm fooling myself. Me? A writer? I don't know. I read through my stuff, and I feel I've got something, but what? Maybe I got a whole lot of nuttin' honey, and that saddens me.

I think the hardest part is that finally finding something that makes me happy, and I always said if I found something that makes me happy, I'll do it. Then I got this fantabulous idea that I would WRITE and MAKE MONEY and I think somewhere along the way. I think that's the problem. I knew it couldn't be THAT easy, and it hasn't been. I love writing about my day to day life, but those entries on Orble are not the ones people look at. Sure, I have a small following, and 200 hits a day is nothing to scoff at, but it's stayed at 200 hits for months now. I am grateful to those 200 people that read, but I'm not moving forward.

The fact is, I love my kids, and I want to talk about them. I want to sing their praises and grumble their antics.

I have this thing in me that wants to be..... lauded? Liked? Ok, ok, popular.

2006-10-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
2
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Moving on!

2006-10-13T18:44:00.000-07:00

Here's the link to my new blog

http://www.furiousbits.com/

I'll more than likely keep up with this one, to bitch about shit I don't want others to read about. ;)

I think I need to come up with a code phrase or something, so that you all know when to check THIS blog if you decide to follow me to the other one.

Any suggestions? LOL

It's been settled.

2006-10-10T18:05:00.000-07:00

I've decided to name my new blog. Furiousbits.com although it hasn't been set up yet. Probably what I'll do is just continue THIS blog over there. I haven't decided yet. Or I'll keep my personal shit over here.

I'm having a pretty low day emotionally. Although, technically he wasn't looking at porn, I did find that Tony was looking at sexy pictures of girls on Myspace. He didn't contact any of them, but he did look at them, and that has bothered me to no end. He said he didn't think it was a big deal, to him it was like looking at a Sports Illustrated swimsuit catalog. Although I can see his point, it doesn't make me feel any better about myself today. I've cried off and on, and have slept a bit here in there to "escape" my hurt. I just feel low.

He said he honestly didn't think it would be an issue, and I believe him. He said that now that he knows it won't happen again. I told him my main issues with this was that 1. Myspace you can easily TALK to these people 2. He knew I had issues with MySpace to begin with. 3. He knew how disgusted I was with a friend of ours who has a lot of sexy women he met through Myspace as friends. 4. You don't even realize how quickly things can escalate to something inappropriate when you allow yourself to be in a situation like that.

It makes me wonder what it is I'm not giving Tony. Our sex life has skyrocketed since I started taking anti-depressants, even though I need more work in the orgasm department. We can't keep our hands off of each other, and yet, he needs to look at these girls. The only thing I can think I am NOT giving him, is the hot smoking body. I stole a Mouse Quote when Tony said that he tells me all the time he thinks I am hot and sexy, I said "Show me, don't tell me" Because if he tells me a billion times how hot I am, yet when he looks at girls online and they're all a size two, with big fake tits, and rock hard abs, that just negates the billion times he told me I was hot. If he was looking at big girls with saggy tits, and a stomach paved in stretchmarks, I'd believe him more when he tells me I'm hot.

He gets so mad when he tells me I'm hot and I say "Yeah right" but he shows me by his actions that maybe he doesn't believe what he says either.

So, I emailed Orble back.....

2006-10-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

Hi Jasmine,

Thank you for offering me the domain blog. I am very excited, as I have found that I love to blog.

You asked for a topic, and if I had any interests and hobbies. I've thought about this and the thing that keeps popping into my head is the old addage "Write what you know" and this is what I know. I'm a stay at home mom, recently diagnosed with depression, with a spirited (re: pain in the ass LOL) six year old, a lovable two year old, married to a United States sailor. I have a messy house, a miserable lazy streak. I love video games, the Sims especially, and bad tv. I have a long list of internet friends, and a few good "real life" friends.

Even in my personal daily blog, I didn't write a lot of day to day stuff. I told ancedotal stories mostly. I like to be funny, and share my experiences of being all the above. I am hoping to be able to write like THAT in my Orble Domain Blog. But, if that will not fit I understand.

I liked the Modern Day Depressed mom blog, but found that writing about depression every day was.. well depressing, especially since I am so much more than that. I could write about being a militray wife, but I don't know how well that will go over with your readers.Any help with this will be greatly appreciated, Jasmine.

We'll see what she says. Like my friend Jenn says, if I'm going to blog, I might as well try and make some $$$$ from it.

Sooo.....

2006-10-05T23:13:00.000-07:00

I got an email from Orble today saying that they would like to purchase a domain name for me, as they like my blog. That's awesome, but they asked what I would be writing about. Well, I kinda thought that's why I set up the free blog, was so they could see what I got going on.

So, now I'm stuck. Do I continue to write about my journey? I don't know. How much more can I write about that? Do I write about my marriage and my kids?

I am thoroughly confused.

Then I wonder... what if this is typical ole Sandi, quitting because it's tough?

I'm going to sleep on it tonight and ask some questions tomorrow. If anyone has any suggestions for me, I would LOVE to hear them!

On to more interesting topics.

Today at Aislinn's soccer game they put her in goalie. I thought she would be good at it and I was right. First Aislinn is really good at catching stuff. I know that sounds incredibly odd but it's true. She isn't girlie about it, she gets in there, full body and will catch whatever you are throwing at her 9 times out of 10. Also, she is good at throwing stuff up and kicking it. I watched her during one of the pregame practices, pick up various sticks and rocks, while she waited in line and kick them out into the field. Just one after another. We couldn't get her to kick the damn ball to save her life, but man she was kicking the hell out of those rocks.

Finally they put her in the goalie position, and she did amazing. She did let one goal through, but that was it, she blocked three. The last one she jumped on top of it, and had both arms and legs wrapped around it. She paid attention and everything. It's perfect because she gets to play, but she also gets to goof off when the ball is down on the other side. There's no running (her biggest complaint) and she doesn't get trampled by a dozen girls (second biggest complaint)

I was so proud I had to hold back tears a few times. Oh AND!! To see her SMILING!! OH God. I get a flutter in my chest just thinking about it.

And.... the ultimate.

On the way home she said "I might sign up for soccer again next year"

Wow.

2006-09-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

I was eating lunch with the kids today (while Tony played Lego Star Wars on PS going on the 3rd straight hour) and we had a good time. They both finished before I did, and I sat there in silence, by the open window, enjoying the breeze while munching my lunch. This is something I don't normally do. I ususally have to have the kids there, or I have to have a book or a magazine. Before I started taking my meds, to sit in silence, and to just think was to much. I'd usually end up worked up about something, and unable to finish from anxiety of some impending doom I was sure was coming soon, or stressing over the fact that it was Saturday and that all our friends probably got together without us.

But, today I sat thinking about Christmas, and wondered what the kids would be like when they got older. I got Aislinn a camera for Christmas, and I thought how wonderful this would be for her, as she has taken some amazing pics with my digi. One I have tried to duplicate many, many times (A pic of the fish in our tank) and have NEVER been able to even come CLOSE to what she captured. She got a beautiful shot of the fish, the water is wavy, so the pic is wavy, yet the pics is clear. No blurriness. It was my wallpaper on the pc for a long time.

Anyway. I got to thinking about how my kids are a little loud, and a little obnoxious. How, I am ok with that, even though it can be tiresome and annoying. I realized the reason why this is fine by me is becuase I wish I could be the same way, as a child, and even now as an adult. To be able to be as loud, wild, and obnoxious as you want to be. IT's a great time of line to be able to do things without judgement from others.

The wonder of Aislinn.

2006-09-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

This morning, we got a catalog from LagoonaMagoo. It's a "fancy" toy store in our mall. It's the store where the parents that only buy organic food shop, You know the kind, they only allow their children an hour of tv a day, they wouldn't dream of subjecting their kids to commercialized toys, and heaven forbid, anything plastic! *Swoon from the thought of kids playing with PLASTIC toys!!* They feed their kids things like edemame and funny foods shaped from soy products.

The sad thing is, although I think feeding my kids meat is ok, and I think Tv is a great way to get them out of my face, I am of the mind of these parents when it comes to organic foods, and especially commercialized toys. Unfortunately, there is only ONE thing that seperates me from them. Money.

I detest the overly commercialized toys. The My Little Pony Castle that broke within moments of putting it together, the stupid Littlest Pet Shop that didn't work nearly as well as the commercial made it seem. The POOPING BARBIE DOG FOR CHRIST SAKE!! Need I say more?

It's always been kind of hard for Aislinn to be able to tell me what she wants for Christmas. She would latch on one thing, like last years Puppy Surprise, and then would be at a loss for anything else. She always looks through the big book o' crap, commonly known as the Toys R Us Christmas catalog. The one that makes your newspaper about 20 lbs heavier? She would look through there, and of course, she found things she liked, but nothing she ever really HAD to have. Getting her to tell me what she wanted for Christmas was like pulling teeth. Then she would tell me she wanted whatever toy that had a commercial on heavy rotation during commercial breaks on Spongebob. We would get that toy, and it would be played with the first few days , and then thrown in with the rest of the rejects, either broken or missing some major component that made it fun, or because it just didn't deliver what it promised. Then she would go back to her stuffies, and her sticks, and stones, her crayons and her scissors. She has more fun with a stick that she keeps out in the backyard that she uses as a horse, than she ever did with the Littlest Pet Shop. She enjoys her plastic bag tied to a string, than she ever did with her Spongebob kite. At least the plastic bag on the string actually flew. I've never seen a child more excited over a bag of marbles.

Back to LagoonaMagoo, this is a store Tony and I absolutely LOVE!! When we go to a movie at the mall, we make it a point to go in there. The only problem is... it's VERY expensive. The toys are of great quality though. You will not find anything with a character from a TV show on there. Oh wait, yeah they do sell Thomas the Tank Train stuff. Everything there is geared to making your kids imagine, create, build, draw, color, pretend. Things my kids are experts at. Even J has started to eschew commercialized stuff (well except Cars stuff of course) They want things that will make their imaginations soar.

I let Aislinn take the catalog and circle possible Xmas presents. Not ONE toy did I disagree with. I mean, ok I did cringe a little at the musical instrument set, but it was still a good choice. She picked a pogo stick, a two headed dragon, a make up set, a gorgeous kitchen set that doesn't od anything special (which she said was WAY cooler than our old one, a $100 monstrosity that makes noise and talks to you. It sits in our yard unused, and forgotten) a nice little doll house, a ton of science stuff, an ant farm, grown your own stalagmites, a microscope, a peacock puppet (for $45, that one will probably not make the cut, no matter how gorgeous) and just a bunch of stuff. I just felt an immense pride at the things my daughter picked out. The list was very eclectic and varied. She picked somet things that didn't really surprise me (the science stuff, the two headed dragon, the pirate treasure chest) but some of the things really suprised me. Especially this adorable little jewelry box with a dancing horse and the kitchen set.

Of course, I am not going to be able to afford most of this stuff. I'll probably see if I can find things relatively similar at Target or Wal MArt. I know Target has the kitchen set, and a microscope. Also, her Bday is a few short months after so, she'll get some of the things then too. Like the pogo stick can wait until then, as it will be closer to spring.

Aislinn just amazes me with her complexity. When I am having a hard day with her, I just tell myself that she is Aislinn. Her stubborness and her imagination, everything that IS her, will make her a success one day. This always brings me comfort.

2006-09-29T08:06:00.000-07:00

Two Names You Go By
1. Sandi
2. Mom

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Korean
2. Irish

Two Things That Scare You
1. Being here and getting hurt or killed while the kids are here alone with me.
2. Losing my family. Especially all at once and being left all alone without them.

Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Coffee
2. My computer

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Socks
2. Pj's

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment)
1. John Mayer
2. Elvis

Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. Unending unconditional love
2. Alone time together

Two Truths
1. My house could be cleaner
2. I am happy to get the weekend started.

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You
1. Nice arms
2. Dark hair

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Writing in my blogs
2. Playing Tiger Woods golf '06

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. A nice steak dinner, and catching a movie with Dh.
2. Aislinn just to get over the shoes already!

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Disney World
2. Greece

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. see my kids grown up, happy and successful.
2. Find what I am good at, and make money doing it. Even if its a pittance.

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy
1. I have boobs and a vagina
2. I'm a little snarky

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
1. That I actually DO like a lot of the reality tv shows.
2. I'm worried that my friendship with M is on it's last legs. Although, oddly enough I am not mad or even hurt. I knew once he found another love, it would happen.

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. My Target run for diapers
2. Paying my bills, which I got online to do, but I'm doing THIS instead.
Two Stores You Shop At:
1. Target
2. Dierbergs (grocery store)

Two people I haven't talked to in a while
1. My friend JoAnn
2. My friend Shelly

Two people I would like to see take this quiz
1. Pam
2.

Such an electronic whore.

2006-09-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

For MONTHS, I've been convinced that once October 10th rolled around, I was going to give up my monthly cell bill for a pre paid service. For someone who uses their phone maybe 30 minutes a month, this makes a lot of sense. Why pay $43 a month just to have your phone lying around dead most of the time.

I made a mistake though. I checked out what free phones I could get from my service provider if I were to sign a new two year contract, give them 50 of my eggs, and a kidney. Oh and continue to pay them $43 dollars a month. Oh WHY did I do this?

But, hey now I'm sporting a sleek and sassy Motorola l2 phone. Of course it was the summer sale and was absolutely free... well, except for that whole kidney, egg thing.

Hey tip for those prepaid people. Get some cool phones assclowns!

I'm shopping ringtones as we speak!!

2006-09-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

We didn't do much this weekend. T had to work on Saturday and Sunday. I did get to catch one of my sisters soccer games though. It's amazing how much more intense a college soccer game is. I can't find the correct word to describe it (and I've been trying for two days) but, the game seems cleaner, more refined. REFINED!! That's a good word. Ding ding ding!

T finally got over his cold, and now J has it. Bad fever and everyhing. If his fever isn't gone tomorrow, it's back to the Dr. for us. He is fine once the Motrin kicks in. Me, I've just been all around grumpy and PMS-y.

So, that's it. We watched two good movies. The Benchwarmers and Failure to launch.

Celtic horoscope

2006-09-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

You Are A Chestnut Tree

You are a born diplomat with a well developed sense of justice.

And even though you're impressive and intimidating, you're also fun to be around.

You can be irritated easily, and you sometimes act superior.

Nevertheless, you are sensitive of others feelings and very loyal.

Sometimes you feel misunderstood and are fiercely close to those who know you best.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Is it sad that I REALLY hope this is true of me?!?

If she only knew what she said.

2006-09-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight, we were in the drive thru line, and A was whining about being hungry. T said "Hey quit whining! I'm hungry too!" A asked "How hungry are you daddy?" He said "REally, really hungry!" and she says "Are you SOO hungry, that you'd eat mommy?"

We just looked at each other and burst out laughing. He said "No!" and I said "Gee thanks babe!" He said "What else was I suppose to say to our six yr old?"

Trying not to get TOO excited....

2006-09-23T21:09:00.000-07:00

But, I was ranked 44 on www.orble.com today. Teehee!

I'm very excited. I've had a ton of hits too, from all over. I only posted on one of my message boards, and I got only six hits from there. I'm a little irked at my friends. *tapping foot* Oh well, not really.

I'm so excited. I'm trying not to get TOO excited. But, man it's a bit exhilarating.

I'm just aglow over here. I AM interesting. LOL Ok well, maybe that's taking it too far. On my J board, a few women said they were impressed with my writing. That meant a lot to me. More than anything.

Shameless plug.....

2006-09-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

So, um yeah. Not that I'm copying or anything. But, Mouse DID send me the link and tell me about Orble. I sent out an email, and although they said they "liked my work" (re: form letter response) they wanted me to set up a blog on Orble and see if it generates interest. If it does (which it seems to be doing. I've gotten a few comments from fellow bloggers) then they'll consider me for a paid blog position, like Mouse. (I know some of you have NO freaking clue who Mouse is)

So, if you have some time... Check it out... bookmark it, as that will be my new "Depression" blog, and this one will continue to be the "What I had for lunch and how many times I yelled at T" blog.

Oh yeah, and you should vote, because you love me.

http://www.orble.com/the-modern-day-depressed-mom/

There are two entries right now. Vote for both if you have nothing better to do.

Awash in the glow of memories.

2006-09-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

I felt like going overly corny with the title today.

On one of my boards, I was relating to a thread, and being the typical post hijacker, talking about when I lived in Virginia. All of a sudden I had the strongest urge to be there. To smell the air around the hotel where I worked, and breathe in the ocean. To see the huge naval ships, and to drive on a long bridge over choppy waters. To see a seagull, even though they are nothing more but rats on wings.

Who would have ever thought that me, of all people could have wanderlust? Me, who fears change like A fears shoes, and like how J fears taking a poop. Me, of all people, wants to get the fuck out of here, and fast.

Not that I don't love St. Louis. It's the only place in the whole world you can get toasted raviolis and Red Hot Riplet Chips. Where people end their sentences with prepositions and you know what? That's alright. It's a place that can 95 degrees with 98.9% humidity one day, and the next be a brisk 45 degrees the next. It's where my family is, it's where my friends are, it's where I grew up, and it's where I never want to be.

I always assumed I'd live here forever. When I was 17 and thought I had the whole world at my feet. Then I got into the real world and realized that there are places in this country that are beautiful. Better, even than what I have here. I'm ready to move on. I'm ready for my kids to experience some open mindness, something that is pretty lacking in this part of the world.

I know soon we're going to have to pick a place and settle there. THe kids are getting older, and they aren't going to like moving around much more. If it's here, so be it, but my mind will always be in lusher parts of our country. But, that's what memories are for right?

2006-09-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those days that just seems a tad off? Everything seems, not exactly wrong, but not exactly right either?

The day was pretty normal. We get up, T gets off to work, I drop A off, and our day has begun. I cleaned a bit, and you know did the mom thing. I have been really tired from my cold, and my anti depressant makes me sleepy too. Usually, when it's just the anti, I can fight the sleep, but not with my cold. When J napped, I napped too. I set the alarm up, put our phones on do not disturb and went to sleep.

I get a call on my cell (which was luckily in my room) and I look at the clock. It's 3:36, and I was to pick up A ten minutes ago. The alarm didn't go off, and now I look like shit mom by not picking up my kid on time.

I rush to the school and pick her up. Becuase of the screw up, I didn't ask my normal questions about school. We drive to Wal mart to pick up this video game A has been wanting and saved some $$$ for. We buy it and head home. That's when I find out that 1. A has forgotten her homework at school, and 2. She got in trouble for kissing a boy.

See, if I had picked her up on time, I would have checked to make sure she had homework, I would have asked if she lost a stick, and because of all that, she wouldn't have gotten the game. She knew this, so she didn't volunteer the info. I put the game up, made up homework for her to do, and started in on dinner.

Then for the rest of the night I dealt with the most insatiable, gnawing hunger! I don't know what my deal is. Maybe I am getting PMS? I don't know. But, nothing I eat makes me feel full. I'm kind of getting worried.

2006-09-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

I've been sick for a week. Coughing, hacking, needing an extraordinary amount of sleep just to function. Yet, I get up, get the kid ready for school, deal with a toddler who was also sick, and getting a tooth, cook, clean, shop, and have even able to have relations with my husband. Sure, the house wasn't AS clean at it could have been, but no one went without underwear, or socks, or fresh towels, or sex. I didn't get to lay around, and moan.

So, excuse me when I have absolutely NO sympathy for you and your illness, T. Sorry, I am not going to feel your forehead to see if you're hot. If you feel hot, you have a fever. Don't come lay down by my and moan, over and over. I don't really give a flying phlegm ball. I just went to the Dr. today, and took a hacking two year old with me just to get a Zpack for my troubles.

I still managed to cook you dinner, which you didn't eat by the way, and I managed to get the kids in bed alone, and do homework and spelling words and read a book with an unwilling 6 yr. old.

Although I will give you points for not getting mad when I decided to sleep on the couch, so as not to risk getting even more sick. I will give you even more points for getting my pillow, and getting my blankets and my breathing machine, and saying "If I worked all day for those assholes while sick, I can do a few things for you" Actually that was really, really sweet of you. Then, right when you were leaving you said "You make me feel better" I felt bad. I hadn't been very nice to you about being sick. I wouldn't feel your forehead, and I got huffy when you laid next to me and moaned. I didn't think about the fact that you just worked an 11 hour day, by yourself, and spent most of that in traffic in a car, the whole time achy, stuffy and feverish. At least when I'm sick, I can be home, and lay on my couch here and there, or just veg. You have to sit in your white uniform, bullshitting your way through a day, and town you are unfamiliar with, dealing with traffic. The only thing you have your mind on is getting through the day, walking in that door, and have your wife poo poo over you, and feel your forehead, and even though she's not very nice, and not willing to lay in bed with you, that's still better than being at work.

I'll be better tonight, T. I promise.

If you scare me, I'll buy more stuff.

2006-09-18T07:58:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I caught a glimpse of Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine. Although I think Michael Moore is a sniveling whiner, I do think this is a good movie, and have seen it several times. I particularly like the interview with a suprisingly introspective, and well spoken Marilyn Manson. He brings up the fact that our society is one based on fear. It seems like an ironic thing to say for a man whose schtick is looking like something that crawled right out of H.P Lovecraft's dreams , but it's the truth. You turn on the news, and it's fear, fear, fear, end it with a snippet of heart waming drivel.

I realize that the news is true. It's a scary world out there, and not just the war. The story of the baby being kidnapped. That is scary shit. A woman knocked on the door and asked to use the phone. She was let in, and then slashed the moms throat and took off with the baby. Or the guy who impersonated a cop, and kidnapped a 14 yr old girl and held her hostage in a hole in the woods. She was smart and asked to use his phone to play a game, but then text messaged her mom. This is real shit, and I realize that. I know the news isn't making this stuff up. But, when they say "What you could be breathing that can kill you!! Tonight at 10" With a perfectly coiffed news lady looking concerned for you safety. It's that kind of overblown sensationalized stuff that is making us all freaks!

Let's talk commercials for a second. How many freaking antibacterial sprays do we need in this country? Is it just me, or has anyone else heard that HOT WATER AND SOAP will kill bacteria as effectively as anything else? I saw a commercial yesteday that had a woman cutting up carrots for her kid. Next to her was an open package of chicken. It showed that she had dribbled some of the blood from the chicken on the counter. It was like "OH MY GOD! SHE DRIBBLED E. COLI ALL OVER HER COUNTER" and so that when she handed her baby the carrot, (that was up on the cutting aboard, and never touched the stuff) the carrot stick instantly morphes into a raw chicken leg!!

Oh dear the humanity!

None of us would give our babies raw chicken to play with, I'm sure. I don't know what you do in YOUR house, that's your business. But, the imply that a couple of dots of blood, that could easily be swiped with a paper towel is going to harm your baby is ridiculous. It's to get you to buy their stuff. That's it. It's a marketing scheme. I just can't help but think of some poor mom with PPD sitting around, freaking out about that shit. Just from watching TV she realizes that she can't keep her baby safe. From kidnapping, to raw chicken, to not getting enough fiber, to buying the wrong tampons, anything can take her child away. So, she wraps her baby up in saran wrap and kills it. Morbid? Yes, but it could happen, and you'd hear about it on your six o'clock news, following the story of the amazing mophing carrots.

2006-09-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday,I had my day of beauty... eyebrows, waxed. Nails, filled and filed. Feet, smooth and polished. When I was done, I went home and I felt like crap. Not just crap, crap in a hat which is just way worst than regular crap. It also sounds like a bad Dr. Seuss book. "Crap in a hat! Crap in a hat! Who would do that? Crap in a hat?"

When I got home, I zonked out. Which was NOT the plan. The plan was to have family fun day. But, mommy couldn't hang. Mommy felt like... well again, crap in a hat, and I needed rest.

Around oh 7:30 I woke up to A crying over the fact that it was now dark, and family fun day went the way of the hat with crap in it. So, I dragged myself out of bed, took every drug in my medicine cabinet, and we went out to hit golf balls at the range at 8 pm. We get there, and A decided mini golf would be more fun. How right she was!

First of all, the old man running the place is the nicest person ever. He didn't charge us for J, but gave him a ball and teeny weeny club to play. Oh my God. Boys are men trapped in teeny, tiny bodies. It was like the balls in his diaper dropped, and he got all testosterone-y on me. He was running down the path yelling "Come on, Mom! I unna pay Gof!" Then we got there, and he knew exactly what to do. But, in true man fashion, he wanted to ensure he got a hole in one EACH time, so he set his ball down about 1/2 an inch from the cup, and hit it from there. But, we'll excuse his trangression because he was so cute cheering for himself. "Yay! I did it! Hooray" Where the kid learned "hooray" is beyond me. That is not a word I use. Actually, does anyone use the word hooray in real life?

Me, T and A tried to play a "real" game. But, T was being all dad on A, and trying to show her the "right" way to do it, and basically sucked the fun of the game right out for her until I made him stop. I mean, I get it, you want her to do it right, but yelling at her (which at one point he was doing) isn't going to make her do it right. It's going to cause a fit. My philosophy is show them, and give them tips, but don't help them again until they ask for it. He was like making her do real golfing form and shit. Once I made him leave her the fuck alone, she actually did a whole lot better. So screw him and his awesome form because I won. Two hole in ones too. Also, T.... cheats. I totally busted him a few times accidently tapping it lightly, and trying to recover and make it seem like he didn't do that. I made him count that crap. (this would be different crap, not the one in the hat) Just like J and his 1/2 inch shots. Men, they just want to win. Damn those testicles.

So after kicking his ass at mini golf, we decide to hit a few at the driving range before they close. We all get clubs, and T shows A and J what to do. I know what to do, so I'm whacking the shit out of the balls. T..... um... not so much. You could see the aggravation in his face that his woman was kicking his ass... yet again. Yeah, he can kick my ass at Tiger Woods golf on Playstation, but what's that going to get you but a sore thumb? By the end, he warmed up and was doing better than me.

J though threw his own man fit. He couldn't hit the ball off the tee alone, he tried and tried and got so aggravated, he threw his club down, yelled "I don't YIKE IT!!" and crossed his arms and said "Hrumph" and no matter what I did, he wouldn't touch that club again. It was absolutely adorable. A did really well. I want to take her again. She wasn't hitting them far, but she was hitting them fairly straight.

So, although it was late we had a wonderful time. It was cool, and there was a nice breeze. It wasn't busy, so the kids could be spazzes without bothering anyone.

I love my family so much.

2006-09-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

The smell of a man.
Sweat, and sun.
Cigarettes and fun.
Leather and Axe.
In it I bask.

The look of a man.
Muscles are lean.
Arms that are mean.
Hair course and black.
Scratch my nails on his back.

The touch of a man.
Gentle and rough.
Never enough.
Burns from his face.
Makes my blood race.

The love of a man.Giving and take.
Never fake.
Strong and sweet.
I lay at your feet.

2006-09-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

Good God. I don't know how many more little pills my body can take. In addition to my usual regime of chemicals (Cymbalta and two HBP meds) I just took three advil for my sore throat, and a knock off Mucinex to get rid of my phlegm problems. Why I am not glowing radioactive is beyond me. Oh, speaking of radioactive, T had radioactive dye shot into his system for an MRI he had done, and we've had sex since then. I'm sure you can probably read by the light of my cervix. My throat hurts, my ear is clogged, and I'm coughing up little lung cookies. My inner Goddess is apparantly on vacation, and the inner Mucous Monster is her replacement.

To top it off, A doesn't have school today. As we speak, she is standing in the doorway holding my broom menacingly at her brother, with a stainless steel bowl on her head chanting "Boo wee boo boo boop!!" And people wonder why my kids don't have a lot of toys. They don't need them. I may either start drinking by the end of the day, or just shut myself off and play Tiger Woods golf until my thumb bleeds.

Yesterday we had a fun day. A had half day, so we went and had lunch with T. We got to see his new office, which is pretty nice. Me and the kids drove home, and hung out. When T got home, we played a golf tourny together which was a lot of fun. Then he went and did his homework. He has officially started his bachelor program.

*Stop reading now, if me bragging about T makes you want to vomit*

I am just in awe of my husband. The guy who, quite honestly, I never had a lot of faith in to be a good provider. I assumed with T, that I would have a slightly uncomfortable lifestyle, that of my parents and his parents. Think Roseanne. That's what I envisioned for us. It wasn't champagne wishes and caviar dreams come true, but I was happy with that. I was ok with that. Struggling to make ends meet and going to the Lobo once a month. Little did I know that T had totally different ideas. Last night as he talked about getting a SECOND bachelors degree, I was awash with pride for him. Anything he puts his mind to, he can do, and will do, and balance it all pretty well. He is one year shy of his 10 yr mark in the Navy. He is considered a recruiter God. Seriously. He was offered two offices that were crappy to bring back up to par. This will be the first time this office he is at will make goal in TWO months. This is T's first month there, and he's working alone since the other recruiter had his appendix removed. He is working blind, not knowing where anything is, or where schools are, but he will make them reach goal. He is just amazing.

***end of brag**

I'm trying to decide if I want to take the kids anywhere today. J is pretty crabby, he's sick as well.

A sucker for Blogthings!

2006-09-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

You Are 44% Lady

You're part lady, part modern woman.
Etiquette is important to you, but you brush aside rules that are outdated or silly.

Are You A Lady?

You Are a Losing Lottery Ticket!

Full of hope and promise.
But in the end, a cheap letdown.

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

You Are 55% Selfish

You are quite balanced. You are able to compromise when it's in the best interests of those involved.
But you're no pushover. If something is important to you, you'll get it!

How Selfish Are You?

2006-09-14T08:03:00.000-07:00

I have been fighting a pretty bad bout of fatigue. Although, emotionally I feel fine, it's been pretty bad. Like nodding off while playing video games at 4 in the afternoon bad. But, I've been soldiering on, and trying to stay awake. I had goop coming out of my body, and yesterday my ear started to ache. Today, it's completely clogged. I guess my fatigue is legitimate, and I am just fighting off this cold.

Nothing new to report other than my husband riding the cotton canoe and yelling and snapping at me continuously for a few days. Asshole. Before, I just got really, really angry and scream and yell, dropping F bombs and filling my blog full of rants about how I hate him and want a divorce. But, this time, yeah I was pissed, and I WAS angry, and I did argue, and I actually threw something in frustration, but it was different. I was actually more hurt than anything, because I hadn't done anything to warrant it. Before, I knew it was kinda my fault becuase more than likely I egged it on or crossed some line. But, when I'm doing something totally nice and it makes him mad, well it hurts God damn it. Like asking simple questions, and volunteering to bathe the children so he can finish his homework. I know I am SUCH a bitch aren't I?

I guess though, I can't really blame him. This man has been fighting stupid ass battles with me for 15+ years. I'm sure he's been conditioned to expect the worst from me, which is unfortunate. Dr. Phil says that a hundred "Good jobs" is needed to replace the one time you said "you suck" Fuck, I got a lot of sucking up to do.

Sometimes I wonder if T can adjust to the new me, and that the old me isn't what he's attracted to. T has always been with drama riddled girls. He seems to like it in his own fucked upedness. I am hoping now that he's to old to really give a rats ass and that the nice me is a good change.

My heads too clogged to write anything witty or funny.

2006-09-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

Holy crap, we all woke up late this morning. We got up at 8:09 when we all usually get up about about 7:45. T had a Dr. appointment this morning, and ran around like a chicken with his head cut off, while I got the kids together to take A to school. She did really excellent this morning, and there was no crying of any kind!! Just a small fuss about her undies being too tight (time for new ones I guess) and another small complaint about something in her shoes. It was actually something this time and not a bump. We got her jogging socks to wisk away moisture from her feet, and for some reason the mulch from the playground sticks to them, even after washing. It was a big chunk of mulch that she felt. Then she felt something in the OTHER shoe, and it was the bump on the sock and she said "Oh that's the bump. Well, I am just going to have to deal with that" But, not a single tear. All the way to school I sang her praises. I am noticing a difference in that girl, and I am so happy. Before, when I would point out how good she was, she would say "Oh well I didn complain about blah blah blah" that bothered me. But, now she doesn't do that.

We've got a rogue mosquito flying around today, and it's pissing me off. I keep getting bit.

It's raining and all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. I can't though. I have a few things to do, and I've already started them. Poo.

2006-09-10T12:18:00.000-07:00

How quickly the weekend passes. It's already 2:15 on Sunday, and I can't help but be a little sad over the fact that tomorrow, Dh will be back at work, and we'll be back to the daily grind.

This weekend has overall been a nice one. Friday night, my MIL came and stayed with the kids while T and I went to R's bday get together. (R is M's new girlfriend) It was all her friends, so M was very happy we were there, as he felt very left out. Unfortunately, it was karaoke night. Oh how I detest karaoke. It's always some lame ass guy with a beer belly, trying to live out his MTV dreams. It's always the same songs too. By the end of the night you will most definitly hear drunken versions of Wanted Dead or Alive, Copa Cabana, I Will Survive, Crazy, and Dancing Queen, all sung horribly and very, very loudly. T wanted to chop his ears off, and I wasn't having all that much fun either. We left around 1:30 and I told T that although it was not fun, sometimes that's the sacrifice we must make for our friends. When I put it that way, he lightened up. It's true. If you love someone, be it friend or family, sometimes you have to just suck it up, and deal. M hates coming to the kid's bday parties, but he does, becuase that's what friends do.

A had another soccer game last night. T's sister and her boyfriend came over, and we grilled and headed to the game. My sister and mom showed up again. This time A actually kicked the ball!! I told her by the end of the season, she'll be scoring goals for sure!! The girls did excellent last night and actually scored a few goals. It's adorable watching a 6 yr old cheer for her goal!! I am really digging this soccer, and I hope that A wants to continue doing it. The coach has been really cool, and is trying to get A interested. I thank him for that. It's hard because last night A cried and cried all the way to the game, she just didn't want to play. But, I've been really stressing the importance of sticking to it, and team dynamics etc.

That's my lame update.

2006-09-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

My Personality


Neuroticism	97
Extraversion	13
Openness To Experience	66
Agreeableness	26
Conscientiousness	1

Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report

MySpace Codes, MySpace Layouts and hi5 by Pulseware Survey Software

It's official.... I'm crazy!!!! Wheee!!

The hardest part of this exercise was the fact that I didn't know what my "true" answers should be, because I am still confused as to what my "true" self is. I have been thinking about this a lot in the last few days. I mean, shouldn't I be ok with myself if I'm a tyrantical psycho bitch beast on PMS when I am not taking my happy pills? Or is the TPBBonPMS not the real me, but the me that desperately needs her carburater cleaned out and a tune up? See my dilema?

So, I pretty much decided to go with the me I am most used to, which would be TPBBonPMS and there you have. Official proof that if I want to function normally within the parameters of society I need a constant stream of Cymbalta in my body at ALL times. Am I ok with the fact that my body is failing to balance its chemicals properly, and that I need to take a pill THE MAN made just to be what THE MAN wants me to be? Pretty much. I have kick ass insurance, and paying $22 bucks a month (don't hate me) to feel as serene as the Virgin Mary during Baby Jesus's nap time, is a small price to pay. Now I can you know, TALK to people without trying really, really hard not to roll my eyes and punch them in the neck, this included my children.

On a lighter note, A did much better at her soccer game last night. She actually tried and that makes me happy. My mom and sister came to the game, and asked what the score was, and I said "I don't know" and my mom said "What?" and I told her this was a spirit league and that they are teaching the fundamentals right now, and score isn't kept. She was actually dumbfounded by this approach. By the tender age of six, my sister, the soccer star was winning trophies for undefeated seasons. My mom and sister were sure they coaches were keeping score, and I pointed to their empty hands. They said there must be an official score, there has to be a winner, and I told them there aren't any winners. The PARENTS keep score, I'm sure but officially... nothing. My mom then asked me AGAIN what the score was, and I AGAIN said I don't know. She asked why, and I said I only really pay attention when A plays. She gave me stank eye and asked why, and I said "Yeah, I don't really like soccer" To which SHE replied "And you wonder why your daughter is on the ground, on the sidelines throwing grass in the air"

Touche Mother, touche.

And here's further proof that the crazy apple doesn't fall far from the crazy tree. I see many Cymbaltas in her future as well......

Yes that is my MASSIVE bra on her head. And for the record, No we do not live in a dorm. Yes that is a humongous fish tank, and beer on top of it. T had JUST put that there. I suck at decorating.

2006-09-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

I'm sick.

Not deathbed sick, but just sick enough where I feel ok with wearing pj's all day, and playing on the computer, and playing video golf all damn day. I have a sore throat, achy body, and things that are clogged. I must save my strength for the soccer game tonight.

Oh Lord. The soccer game. That was painful. A is THAT kid. The kid that kicks the grass, and faces the wrong way during game play. The kid who has more fun riding the bench than actuallyt participating. The one who actually sits down on the field, walks off the field in teh middle of the game, and announces in the middle of the game "Ok I'm ready to go home Dad" She did all that. It was so bad, T and I could barely watch. Our visions of watching our child run around like a bumble bee chasing a ball with absolutely no clue of what to do, was replaced by the actual vision of our child yelling "I'm stinkin' hot!" and walking the field while the OTHER children chased the ball like little bumblebees. I even tried to entice her by yelling "Pretend your a dog chasing a ball" Which just made her walk away from teh game toward me yelling "WHAT?!?"

Oy.

Her lack of trying of course has me pacing the floor wondering once again, what I did to make her like this. It had me googling things like "Child lacking competiveness" and "Child not interested in sports" and "How did I, once again fuck my child up?" I am not the most athletic, and hell I don't like sports either. A part of me sympathizes with her, but I thought the reason I didn't like sports was because I was introduced to them late.

I gave her the whole "You need to at least TRY" speech. Afterwards I looked at our schedule and cringed seeing ALL THOSE GAMES that I would have to attend, trying to convince my headstrong six year old to just TRY damn it.

When we got home, we did her homework. I sat there, and watched her, without so much help from me, do her math homework. Then when I sat down to read to her from her library books, she had all science oriented books. Two books about space, and three about animals. No reading books. No girly girl books. SCIENCE books. So, there we go. I'm raising a geek, and when she finds a new solar system and names it the "Fast termite" solar system, I will be there for the ribbon cutting, and flipping the bird to all the soccer moms.

Happy Anniversary... now go away.

2006-09-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

Today is our 9th wedding anniversary. Yes, nine years of up and down love and hate relationship. A relationship that is finally at an even keel, and only because I take medicine now.

I was 20 when I got married. 20. How crazy is that? In this day and age there is absolutely NO reason to be married that young. Do I regret it? Ask me when I'm 50 and both my kids are in college and I'm traveling the world. I'm sure my answer will be a strong "Nah" Even now I don't regret it. I have two beautiful kids, and I have a loving husband, who I grew up with. We have a love I think most people look for, and for that I am grateful and happy.

T took the day off today to celebrate our 9 years of wedded togetherness. When he told me I was touched and thought it would be a day of... something. You know, he's home on a Wednesday, and SOMETHING cool has got to happen right? I mean, it's our anniversary and he's HOME on a WEDNESDAY. Something neat and or amazing has got to happen on a day like this.

Um, yeah not so much. I'm still in my pj's and I'm actually kinda irked he's here. I love the man, I do, but now that I am "normal" all this togetherness stuff isn't as cool as I thought it once was. He's been home for THREE days. Do you know how messy that guy can make stuff in THREE days? I cleaned all day yesterday, and then the fucker, know what he did? He made himself bagels, and he didn't use fucking plate, and just threw the fucking bagels on the table. Uh huh, I know right? What a jerk! I jsut fucking wiped the table. He says "Wow you cleaned the kitchen fast!" as he's tossing fucking bagels willy nilly across the room. And could he just toast the bagel like normal folk and smear cream cheese on it? Oh hell no! He's got to fry a fucking 2 ton platter of bacon, and then about 60 dozens eggs, and about a lb of cheese to make sandwhiches for himself. The grease! Oh the horror of it all. He's setting the greasy spatula all over my nice cleaned stove. Oh the humanity.

Good God. I've turned into my mother.

He is cutting the grass right now, and he will be schelacking the deck later. So all is not lost of this blissful wedding anniversary celebration. We also have A's first soccer game later today.

Don't mistake me. I love this bagel throwing, grease slinging man of mine. Stinky balls and all.

2006-09-04T19:54:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful weekend this has been. This morning we got a call from M inviting us to his house for a BBQ. T had to run to work for a bit, so the kids and I headed out there. About half way there, T called and asked if I had his keys, I had to turn around and go back.

We get there, and M, his new girlfriend R, his cousin who is staying with him, his mom, his stepdad, his stepdads mom, and his neighbor were all there. We all ate and chatted. We had a good time. The "adults" left, and T showed up. T and M talked, while me and R got to know each other better.

I swear, the more I talk to her, the more I love this girl. She is so perfect for M, and I know this is it for both of them. She got teary talking about how much she loved M. Although it's only been a few months, you can just tell this is "right"

2006-09-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

I have been racked with the most extreme case of dog lust. It's been building for a few months. I don't give a whit about having another baby. I mean, a baby poops and pees in a diaper, which is cleaner than a puppy, but a baby can't wag it's tail, or romp in the grass, and poke it's cold nose into your arm, and smell of clean puppy fur.

Oh God, I want a warm, wriggly puppy to cuddle with and wrestle with.

2006-09-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

Oh man! What a night!! Last night was amazing. I had so much fun! More fun than I have had in ages!!

We went to the ballgame, and had a great time. T knew a girl that worked there. She used to be a recruiter in his office, and got out. She met us to get what we thought was T a free beer (you know at $8.25 a pop, that's a sweet thing to do) My sister and her Dh went with us, and when she showed up she asked if we had eaten, we said we were about too. She got all of us free nachos, and T and I EACH a beer. It was almost $50 worth of free food!! She gets gratis tickets and she hooked it UP for us.

Unfortunately the game ended way earlier than usual. We called my friend M and asked if he wanted to meet for a beer. He and his knew gfriend said sure. We met at a central location, at this dingy bar/pool hall/sad little club and hung out. You know the kind of place. We got there around 10:30 and closed the place down. His new girlfriend. What can I say? Awesome!! Is about the only word I can use to describe her! She is actually a lot like me. Bossy, sassy, good at cracking a joke. By the end of the night, she and I were laughing hysterically, slapping the table, giving each other high fives, and the guys were pissed because we were usually making fun of them. I mean laughing so hard, my throat hurt when we left. I was a little drunk ,she didn't drink a thing. At one point M said "Great all I need is to marry Sandi" because we are so alike. But, I thought AWWW he said MARRY!! The guy who swore he'd NEVER EVER marry again!! I am just so happy for them. *Sigh* I told them when they go to Vegas, they could get married and have babies. She left her birth control at the house, and she said "We cna just make a baby!" (Joking of course) and I said "Oh God!! Please do!" I want to hold their baby before I leave damn it!

Then T and I headed home and had the most amazing pre kid sex ever. Where it starts on teh drive home, continues in teh driveway, where parts of the body that aren't usually exposed to outside air are. The fumble with the clothes while you're kissing. The struggle with the belt buckles and the buttons, and the sound of the zippers being wrenched open. HOT!

Then we had an accident. A bit of a whoops. We were going at it, and I was um.... how should I put this delicately? I was bent over the couch arm like I was a whore being paid, and in T's excitement, he missed the "hole" and jammed it, again, how to put this delicately? Uh, he jammed into my pooper. The shock and the pain seared through my body. I cried like six year old who has to wear bumpy socks and shoes on gym day. I just couldn't stop crying. Fuck, it hurt guys. It wasn't a gentle poke, he got it so far up there, it wasn't until I was able to blubber "You stuck it in my ass" (that is an exact quote) while I walked to the bathroom HOLDING my ass, that he even knew WHY I was crying. But, the sweetie, he cried to for causing me pain. I know it was an accident and partially my fault. I moved at the last second and blamo. So, safe sex lesson for the day. Don't move when your bent over the couch arm like a Tiajuana stripper and your man is givin' it to you like a well oiled piston. You will get it in the pooper. Take it from me. The more you know, the more you grow. *Cue cheesy music and shooting star*

I gingerly walked to the bed, and T got me all tucked in and we laid there. Then, we started to kiss, and then the gears switched. Something in me opened up. I don't know if it was because he cried for hurting me or what. But, I started to rub my hands on him. As I was doing this, I just kind of marveled at his manliness. The hair, his smell, his muscles. Men are just so different from us you know. The more I touched, the more I wanted to touch. I spent about thiry minutes, touching every part of his body, and kissing it. Thanking God I had such a glorious man. Sounds corny I know, but it was wonderful. I was telling him how hot he was, how sexy, how masculine, how beautiful. I had him roll over so I could see the expanse of his back, and the plane of his broad shoulders. Kissing, licking, biting, whispering, and apologizing for not paying homage to his wonderful body more often. He asked while I was apologizing and I said that I realize now that when we had sex, I rarely touched him. I always wanted him to make me feel sexy, beautiful, and wanted. I hadn't been doing the same for him.

The night ended wonderfully. I'll admit. At the end... um I cried.

Jumbled ramble.

2006-09-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

Firstly, T came home late last night. He walked in looking tired and defeated. It was "mission" day, the last day of the month, and they didn't make goal. Oh well. I went into his wallet to find his new credit card. When I say new I mean, , the FIRST payment is due today, that's why I needed it. Being the one who pays all the bloodsuckers, er I mean bills, I needed to add his CC to the online payment thing.

I was very against T getting a credit card. I just didn't trust him. So, I told him I was going to take it and keep it from him, and have it for emergencies. Of course, he was highly offended as men often are when they feel their women are one step closer to keeping their nuts in her purse, or dangling them from the rearview mirror of her Mini Cooper. Trying to allow him to "grow" I let him keep it.

Luckily we had it when the power went out. We had to rely on it quite heavily those 8 days. Then we used it for a few purchases here and there, thinking we needed to use it to build T's credit. I would ask him periodically if he was using it, and he'd say "Oh well, for gas here and there for the bike etc. I got the first bill, and had a shit fit seeing all teh charges! But, it wasn't TOO bad. He should have known to STOP right there, but oh no. He's a man damn it and he's not going to let his little lady tell HIM what to do.

I go downstairs, and he follows me down. It's midnight, and he hasn't even eaten yet. I think this CAN'T be a good sign. He sits right next to me. Oh fuck, it's bad isn't it. He's all nervous and fidgety. Shit! I call the number on the back, and when I heard the available credit, I looked him right in the eye, and he gulped quite visibly. I hung up the phone and said "This card is almost maxed out." Of course, he says "No way! Impossible" So, we look it up online and sure enough... there it is. This isn't one of those little $300 limit cards either!!

Even my feel good meds couldn;'t keep me from losing it on that fucker. Oh my God. I was screaming. He basically nickled and dimed his way through most of it in two months. Pulling out cash advances, getting lunch, buying stuff. Fucker. To add insult to injury it didn't seem like he bought me an anniversary present with any of it either!!

I slept on the couch. I could see the embarrasment on his face last night. I think him SEEING the charges, he saw how much a little here and there adds up. I am just sick about it. When we get our taxes, I guessl we'll just pay it off.

Today was a decent day with A. She did cry about her shoes, but I calmed her relatively quickly, and when we left, she didn't have a tear in her eye. I helped her with her socks, and her shoes, and when she cried, I held her and hugged her, and had her look me in the face. I asked her if there was anything that could be done about her bumps? She said no. I told her that every shoe, and every sock is going to be bumpy. I asked her if there was ever a time she actually "fixed" the bumps. She said no again. I asked her if she thought crying was going to help with the bumps and again she said no. I told her I understood her frustration, but these are one of the things in life that won't go away, no matter how much we wish it too. That she needs to try and get used to it, and go on and have a great day. I was sympathetic, I tried to understand. Her went away, and when we walked out the door, she wasn't crying. She was jumping and happy. When i droped her off she was all smiles. I told her about twenty times how proud of her I was for being a big girl, and realizing that she can't fix it, so she just needs to deal. I WAS so proud of her!!

Then I stopped by my moms and she asked when we were leaving for the ball game tonight. I said "Tonight? I thought it was tomorrow?" Um nope. TONIGHT!! Luckily the people watching the kids can help us out tonight.

2006-08-31T09:17:00.000-07:00

Lovely Thursdays, how I love thee.

Thursdays are the one day that A does not have gym, which means she wear sandals, which mean she gets out the door without crying. Thursdays are the best days of all.

I went to the grocery store, earlier than usual this morning. It was full of old people. Old people are funny. Most think that my son chucking his sandals out of the cart is hyterical, but some think he's a pain in the ass. I, personally think he's a pain in the ass, but I get to feel that way because I'm his mom, and well it's in the mom rules that I can think that. But, I don't like it when other people get pissy. But, most though found him charming, and cute. Helping him pick his shoes up. It makes me happy to see old people smiling at him, and talking to him. Maybe they're thinking about their grandkids that live far away.

I spent $175 at the grocery store. I nearly gave myself a heart attack!! It was actually more, but I had a $10 coupon.

Today is the end of the month and we probably won't see T till late. He didn't come home last night until 10 pm when the kids were already asleep. He's so distant the last week of the month, which unfortunately is the week I have PMS. But, I have been handling it all very well. The sweetheart actually took our Anniversary off, and even made plans for us, finding a babysitter etc. Unfortunately the plans fell through. He wanted to take me Six Flags. I know that doesn't sound romantic, but for T and I we LOVE it. We get to act like big kids again without the kids. We're actually going to go on Sunday instead. On Saturday, we go to the ball game, and the kdis are having an overnight with a couple friends of ours with a DD that is a year older than A. They love it over there.

2006-08-30T18:21:00.000-07:00

Ah today. What can I say about today?

This morning, A was pitching a fit about her shoes of course and screamed at me "Woman! Can't you see that I am having shoe problems" Oh.My.God. Without even thinking, my hand went up and popped her on the mouth. Then I yelled that she was NEVER EVER EVER to call me "woman" like that, and that she better not ever talk to me like that again. I told her that not eve her DAD calls me that. Then I handed her back pack and told her to get the hell out of here, and go to school. Then I slammed the door. I could tell she knew she crossed a line.

Sounds harsh doesn't it? I know. But, A has been late three days. Friday, Monday and yesterday because of her shoes. It's getting worse. What I've started to do was to tell her she has five minutes to put her socks and shoes on. If after 5 minutes she doesn't have them on, then me or her dad will put them on. She gets them on in five minutes, but then spends about 10 more screaming and crying, and then taking them on and off, causing her to be late. Yesterday I told her if she was late again because of shoes, then she couldn't watch tv. When she got home, she got mad about her homework and a few other things, and it turned into her sitting in her room until bedtime. She wasn't late this morning.

What amazes me is that she can put on her shin guards, her thick soccer socks and the skinny soccer shoes and go to practice and be just fine. I guess it doesnt bother her as much if she's going to do something fun huh? I just don't know what to do. I know that she is bucking the discipline, since it has become more consistent. I know that it will only get worse before it gets better. I'm just going to stick to it. Me losing my cool this morning probably set us back, but it just infuriated me to hear my six yr old child call me "Woman"

We had soccer practice. A seems to enjoy it. They started to show them how to play today, and A wasn't very aggresive. For a lot of it she stood around. Now I kinda see why sports moms become screamers. You want your kid to do well. But, I kept my mouth shut. We actually had sign a piece of paper with rules for parents, and one was that you could NOT coach your child from the sidelines. I like that.

I have some major pms going on this week. I bougth two bags or sweet and salty chex mix AND peanut butter M&M's. Can you say cravings? Today I've been a little bit lazier than I have been all week. I have dishes in the sink I need to get done. It's never ending. I thought I had all my laundry done, but no, that's never ending too.

2006-08-29T09:50:00.000-07:00

I often wonder if some of you are sitting here scratching your heads (the few that read anyway) wondering "What happened?" When I talk about crippling fatigue or how my depression was so bad, and how it's not gone yet. I know it seems it's come out of the blue, and that it seems odd.

I have always thought maybe, kinda, sorta I might have a wee bit of a tiny problem. Nothing major. I realized looking back that I had PPD with both kids With A it's a fog. I don't remember much about her and our life together before the age of like 2. It's a struggle to remember her as Jonny's age, and anytime before that I just remember how she looked by remembering pics that have been taken of her. It's that way a bit with Jonny too, although not as bad. Maybe becuase it's still fresh? But, yet I can remember how my sister looked when SHE was a baby. I remember the outfits she wore, and what she did that was adorable. It's such a shame. It's sad for me.

My possible, maybe kinda sorta wee bit of a problem wasn't something I really felt comfortable discussing. Who wants to talk about how I sat on the computer all day long? Literally, all day long to the point of having pain in the legs and butt from sitting. Who wants to share about how they would yell at the kids "Jesus! One minute" when they asked for something to drink for the 3rd time? How my kids just took to getting food out of the cabinet and fridge themselves, even the two year old? How I would pass out on the couch or bed around 3 and get up to throw a dinner together, and then leave teh kids to eat it alone while I ate in my room? How I called T about 10 times a day, to either scream about something, bitch about something, or just whine? I know he cringed when he saw my number. How I never cleaned my house, and I would watch my kids trip over stuff on the floor, and not have the energy or strength to pick it up. How I made my DH clean whenever we had company? That's not stuff you want people to know. Those are the things you keep to yourself, and you try not to let the outside world see. You put on your happy face, and you crack the funny jokes, and you hope people don't see the cracks in the facade.

2006-08-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

Today was A's appointment. It was pretty uneventful. She is going to have to see a child psychatrist/pyschologist. Now we just have to figure out how to set that up through our insurance and go from there. Between soccer, her therapy, and my therapy (which I have yet to set up due to an expired military id) I will be a very busy lady.

The Dr. said that they don't typically diagnose children on the physical medical level. He did ask if we were being consistent with our discipline, which I told him we were not. I told him about my diagnoses and how I pretty much gave up for a few months. He said that she may be having stress with going back to school, and that some children are just sensitive to things like tight shoes, bumpy socks, and stickiness. Add that to the fact that she's had discipline inconsistencies, I could have conjured up myself one mixed up little girl. He did witness a shoe meltdown though.

We'll see. I'm kind of calming down over the whole thing. I was very proud of her tonight. She had to read a book for homework. A doesn't read yet, much to my disappointment. Tonight though, she attempted sounding out a few words and even read a whole sentence by herself!! She has started to use the pictures as references, and has started to remember words that she read on previous pages. I was so proud of her, I almost cried. I gave her big hugs and kisses after and much praise. You could tell she was so proud. At one point, I had to throw something away before J made a mess, and she sat there and tried to figure out the words, and got pretty close.

I had a bit of a meltdown today, which compared to my OTHER meltdowns, this was nothing. I just called T and asked when he'd be home, and could he please hurry as I was losing it at home. A had to be sent to her room. I'm trying to remain consistent that if she does something I don't agree with, she has to sit in her room for six minutes. Any back talk or yelling gets minutes added on, and the timer doesn't start until she's quiet. Well, she was in there kicking and yelling for about 30 minutes before the timer even got started. I did really good. I didn't go in there and scream at her. I just ignored it. But the more she carried on, the more tired I got.

Even though I feel so much better, I don't think I'm 100% just yet. I have been keeping most the house clean though, and that's a good thing. I still have two rooms that torment me with the filth of them, but I'm working the best I can. I still have a lot of fatigue that doesn't help when you can't sleep. T has been sick and keeping me up. I probably got an hour sleep last night. The fatigue can be quite crippling at times. It's like no matter what i do, I can't stop myself from lying on the couch. I try not to fight it so much anymore, as I realize that I am suffering from an actual illness, not jsut being a lazy bum and at least I am not spending my whole day, rotating from bed, to couch to computer to back. At least I am doing stuff, and interacting with the kids more, and cleaning. I have actually been caught up in my laundry for TWO weeks now. Record for me for sure. When I feel the need to lay down, I do. In this book I'm reading, a lot of women said that sleep is a very strong tool for getting better. It's hard to wrap my head around actually getting ok to sleep if I need to. It also said its better to tell your kids "Mommy is having a bad time right now and needs to lay down" than be mean yelling mom. To hear that makes me feel so much better, and alievates some of the guilt I've had.

2006-08-27T14:43:00.000-07:00

Last night T and I did the old hibbidy dibbidy at 1:30 in the freaking morning. I don't know why we can't just do it at a decent hour. Well, I know why.. I chat with friends, and he plays Tiger Woods golf. Doesn't get much sexier than that does it?

Anway, so we did the hibbidy dibbidy, and decided I needed to talk afterward. Before, I would have been focused on my orgasm, got what I wanted and gone to sleep almost immediatly afterward. It worked, but now that I'm normal, I wanted to talk.

I started to talk about how different sex felt to me now. How I no longer have this insatiable desire to have sex anymore. Of course I love it, but before it was constantly on my mind. I see now it's becuase it made me feel validated. Another weird side affect of depression. It's actually quite common. One of the questions on the quiz I took at the Dr.'s office was "Have you gone through periods where you wanted to have sex more often than usual" It was also very withdrawn sex. I know that sounds odd, and I would have never said that before. Again, I'm looking at life throught a different set of eyes, and the things I see now are much more clear. How can sex be withdrawn? Well, something I had noticed before, but I had just dismissed as it "feeling better" was that I rarely wanted to have sex facing T. When we did end up in missionary I always kept my face away from his. I alway told myself it was because I didn't want to breathe in his breath, but funny how this all of a sudden doesn't bother me anymore.

Also, I used to always complain about T rubbing me. What he would do was he would stroke my skin, my back, my arms, my legs. He said he liked to touch me. What's the big deal right? I HATED this. It annoyed the shit out of me. It made me angry. Now when he does the same thing, my skin feels alive again. Where his hand goes, he leaves a trail of tingles. A warm flush overtakes my body, and I feel it. It was like my skin was dead before. Not only do I feel arousal, I feel love, and passion, and all that good shit I had forgotten about.

The biggest change of all though has been something that T has been extremely happy about. No not blowjobs, no amount of med will make me like THOSE! But, kissing. I HATED kissing before. I tolerated it for a few seconds, before I started freaking out about having his tongue in my mouth. Weeks could go by and we not share a tongue kiss. When we did, I jsut white knuckled it, and stopped when I felt the urge to bite his tongue off. I knew T liked it, but I couldn't bear it. Now, I can't stop kissing. I no longer feel like gagging, or worrying about what his breath tastes like.

So, yeah, orgasms aren't there much anymore, although I did manage last night with a little help from our battery operated buddy, (BOB for short) but it doesn't matter. I feel like when T and I were kids and we had sex constantly even though my orgasms were barely a blip if i had one at all. It feels complete. It doesn't feel like a transaction, or a chore. I no longer focus on the perfect orgasm. I just do it, and it feels good.

I remember awhile back, T said I just laid there, but now I see where he is coming from. I never touched him, I never kissed, I didn't like him touching me either. Sure, yeah a lot of times it was hot, and we would be all sweaty and exhausted and wrung out, and feeling good, don't get me wrong. If it was bad, I'm sure I wouldn't have wanted to do it so much.

I'm lucky to have T with me through this.

Little, red S-10

2006-08-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

T used to have a 1995 Chevy S-10. He got it new when we first moved in together. I was 18, he was 19. It was his pride. One of the first of our friends to get a new vehicle. It was SO nice. We loved tooling around in that thing, listening to music and visiting with friends. It's the vehicle I learned to drive a stick.

We drove that thing from St. Louis, ot Waukegan, IL. when we moved away from home. We drove it back and forth again, to move our stuff pulling a small Uhaul trailer and really only able to go about 50 mph all the way, with my younger sister sitting in the middle of us both ways for 6 hours each way.

We drove it from Waukegan to St. Louis to Norfolk, Va. in that truck. Where within two months of moving to VA, we got the truck reposessed. We scraped up the $$$ and got it back.

Me and a friend drove from Virginia to Chicago, where her parents lived. Both of us pregnant, although I was the only one in the truck that was aware of her pregnancy. We drove 10 hours with two large, wailing orange cats, while my friend wept and despaired over her broken marriage just 1 short year after the wedding. Driving with a cat on your arm is not fun. Drving with a crying friend is also not fun. Driving home to be with family, because your DH left for six months while you were carrying your first child, was the least fun of all.

The truck took me to each and every one of my dr's appointments while pregnant with A. Even when I could barely squeeze my belly in it's teeny tiny cab.

We drove it with A sitting between us in her pumpkin seat. It was not an extended cab, and it was a stick. WE were all very cramped. We were a new and poor military family, with awful credit and a new baby. We didn't have a lot of options, and had one more year to pay on it. By this point, it was missing a front quarter panel, was sporting a black bumper, the Ac no longer worked, and it rattled something terrible. If we could just get it paid off, we'd get a new car where we'd all fit in there comfortably. We did when A was 14 months old. The truck was now truly T's once again.

When I was off, A and I would wait, and we could hear that truck from a mile away with its distinctive rattle. We'd run to the door to greet T.

T drove it from Va to Florida for Recruiting school then drove it from Fl to St. Louis where everyone chuckled over the fact that we still had that truck. It had well over 100K miles on it. T loved it and said he would drive it until the wheels fell off. He drove it every day 80+ miles a day once here in St. Louis.

Once J was born, it became obvious the Kia was just too small to accomodate a family of four. Again, we were going to make due with what we had, and move on from there. My uncle had an older full sized van. He would sell it to us for $500. T readily sold his truck for $500, so that we could get this van. It wasn't until he drove it for the last time, did it hit him he was selling so much history.

That was almost three years ago. I haven't given much thought about that truck since T drove it away that last day. Life marched on, and moved forward. But, today while I was driving the van from the grocery store I was stopped at a light. In front of me was an older Ford Ranger,(kinda like an S-10) red in color, and sporting a black bumper. Inside was a young couple. Not a high school couple, but a young adult couple. She reached over and played with her guys hair. They were so close together. They laughed and talked. I was hit with such a strong longing for our red S-10, seeing those two young people with their whole lives ahead of them. Tooling around on a Saturday. They probably just woke up a few hours previous (it was 6:30) and were on their way to dinner and a movie, or to grab some take out and videos. They probably had sex when they woke up and would have it again before the night was out. They may to go a friends house and drink and play pool.

The light turned green and they turned left toward the resteraunts and I went forward toward my house. The Red truck has been with me all evening since then. Although I woudln't trade my life for anything in the world, I would love to relive the evening T and I went to a movie and then got caught by a train. We were there for an hour, as there was a problem. We made out that whole time, steaming those windows and we couldn't wait for the fucking train to just GO already so we could get home and tear the clothing from each other.

I hope that couple has that much fun in their truck as we did in ours.

2006-08-25T22:45:00.000-07:00

I never intended to be the "Depression" blog or anything, but since that is really the only thing I have going on right now, that's what I write about. The only excuse I can give is, unless you've been in it (and from what I seeing, more of us are than anyone realizes.) you just can't understand how freeing it is to feel somewhat normal for the first time in a long, long time.

I am reading an interesting book The Ghost In the House about maternal depression. I first read about it on dooce, and decided to get it.

It came today, and man has this book spoken volumes to me. First of all, I learned that the rage and constant irritability I felt, is felt by women all over the country, suffering as I am. The fatigue that I felt (and sometimes still feel) isn't because I am lazy, it's becuase I am suffering from a illness, and unfortunately, that illness affects my children more than I realized.

Today, A and I had a terrible morning. Probably one of the worst in a long time. Shoes of course. I was scared and worried. These fits coupled with a few other instances had me concerned. The ball thing, where she couldn't choose a ball. At the time it was a pain, and pissed me off, but I've been thinking about it a lot, and I just thought "That can't be normal." Finally, today I made an appointment to have her seen by her Dr. and discuss this. Of course, I looked up the symptoms of ADD and of course, I was convinced A had it, even going so far as to dash of an impromptu email to a friend whose son has ADD to see if she thought it was possible A had it. It seemed I was reading the manual to my child. This upset me, and I spent most my day worrying about it. Then I got this book.

Within the first few pages, it brought up how children of depressed mothers act. Again, it was like reading about MY child. Indecisiveness, negativity, self loathing, tantrumy, out of control at times. The more mom withdraws, the more the child acts out to get attention, the more the child acts out, the more the mom withdraws. They had quotes from moms, and one was "Sometimes I just pray that he just keeps watching tv so I don't have to interact with him." I have often thought that.

One thing I noticed since being on my meds, is that I have let the kids get completely out of control. Discipline was virtually non existent anymore in this house. I just let things go, becuase I couldn't "fight" anymore. I just gave up and gave in. I had even gone so far as to allow whining to sway me, anything to get them to shut up. Please just leave me alone. I realized this when at a BBQ two weekends ago at a friends house. A was being extra mouthy. In my exasperation, I said out loud "I just DON'T know what has gotten into her lately" and my friend said "What do you do when she talks to you like that? Do you punish her?" and I opened my mouth to say "Of course I do" but, I just sat there, mouth open and I thought "Nothing. I haven't done anything lately" I couldn't remember when the last time A had been sent to her room. I think I was just giving her a stern "You can't talk to me like that" and let her go on her way.

I have a lot of straightening out to do. I realize now how withdrawn I had become. The most dreaded words were "Will you play with me?" and even though I am not a very play-y kind of mom, I was down right neglectful at times. Letting them watch WAY to much Tv, barely listening when they talked. There were times this summer that I spoke the minimum to A to get through the day. Often avoiding her if possible. I remember making myself do it. All I did was yell at her. I went through my mothering in autopilot.

I feel terrible. I am crying right now. But, now I know. This has nothing to do wtih the kids.

Tonigt, I sat A down and explained that mommy had a illness. I assured her that I was going to be ok, but it was an illness in my brain that made me extra angry. When I am crabby or annoyed, I promised her it wasn't becuase of HER, it was just becuase my brain was being funky. I explained that I was taking medicine and it was helping me. That when mommy is being extra cranky, and she knows she hasn't done anything, it ISN'T her.

We're still going to the Dr. on Monday, but I have a feeling it will be a different kind of appointment than I had originally set it for. I have a feeling that it will be to get A into some type of counseling or something to soothe her fears and her anxieties.

I am hoping I can make this right, and that I am not too late.

2006-08-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

I am officially a soccer mom. Scary right? I have this sudden urge to wear yoga pants, and a sweatshirt that says "Worlds best Soccer mom" and put a bumper sticker on the van that says "I brake for goals". While sitting in my collapsable lawn chair at the practice yesterday, I had to stop myself from screaming from the sidelines "BIG FOOT A" and "Be aggresive" and "Run to the ball" and "FUCK that other kid SUCKS!! Get her out of there" and "Trip her! Use your elbows, the ref isn't looking" You know, typical soccer mom jargon.

Well ok, not really. I'll save that for her pre teen years. Right now, it's about having fun.

Anyway, A was leery about starting soccer. You know, tight shoes and thick socks and all. She suffered through me putting her shin guards on, her soccer socks, and her cleat with relative ease. We had SOME problems but, not as bad as I expected. Her MAIN problem was that all of a sudden she didn't want to play soccer anymore. Driving her to the park, I thought once again how so much like me this kid is. I knew what the problem was. A doesn't like new things. I don't either. I was probably just as nervous as she was about meeting all the other moms. We got there, and you know what? It was wonderufl, and I gave myself a wee pat on the back for swallowing my insecurities and signing her up. I had a bit of a struggle with this, as I am just NOT a sporty person. I swore that I would never sign my kids up for anything they didn't WANT to do. But, at 6 what the hell do they know right?

She had SUCH a good time. They got their uniforms. Cute lavender and black ones. She did cry that she didnt get number 10, so the coach gave it to her. Sucker. Anyway, so we have to work the concessions and stuff and sell raffle tickets. She ws bummed that we couldn't go to practice again today.

We got home and she and I snuggled. She ended up falling asleep in my arms, and it was the most amazing feeling. I didn't want to let go. I sat there with her, holding her in my arms for two hours. I would kiss her every few minutes and smell her hair. Rub the skin on her legs ad arms, so soft and supple. She is the most beautiful girl in the world to me, and as much as we fight, I adore her more than I can ever express. I want only good things for her.

Slacker blogger.

2006-08-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

I've been really bad about updating lately. It's like I don't have anything to bitch about anymore. My attitude and outlook on like has done a complete turn around and I just don't really have much to say. I have found I am only talkative when I want to bitch about something, and I think I'm losing some of the wit. It totally sucks.

Yesterday, we actually got A out the door without crying. It was truly a miracle to behold. We all dropped to our knees and gave praise to the good Lord above for the miracle he bestowed on us that wonderful morning. But, as the saying goes "God giveth, and he taketh away" was proved true this morning. It was a yelly, cryey morning, and I woke up exhausted to begin with. The whole insomnia thing is pissing me the fuck off. Also, I have dry mouth like a motherfucker, so I've been drinking water like crazy, so when I do fall asleep, I'm usually woken up by the full bladder sensation. Last night I took an OTC sleeping pill, and I guess it knocked me out so hard, I kept my mouth open all night, causing me to snore, and render my sleep mask useless. T said he could hear me in the basement,that's how loud I was snoring.

Also, I've officially lost my orgasms. Oddly enough, it has made sex even more enjoyable if you can believe that. I know it sounds crazy, but I swear it's like this pressure that is off of me know. I realize that I had become obsessed with having a Gspot orgasm, and a lot of my time having sex was spent, bossing T around to get it just right. Now that I don't have that to worry about, T can pretty much do what he likes, and it's been amazing (except of the no orgasm part) He is more involved with sex. I never realized how selfish and how me focused it had all become. It was almost like he was the prop there to please me. So, it was always the positons I wnted to do, to get the "perfect" orgasm.

The meds are doing me wonders. It's hard to explain but I feel normal. Things that used to bother me, and cause me to run to my blog a thousand times a day, don't bother me anymore. I was worried that maybe the meds are making just too mellow, but after the HELL we had at Target with A on Sunday, I knew I was ok.

A wanted to play soccer. We sign her up. Her first practice is tomorrow so we needed to get cleats, shorts, and a ball. She was ok up until it was time to get the ball at Target. She cried over which ball to get. She couldn't decide. So, we sat and stared at balls for 30 minutes. Finally I just grabbed one and she bawled. And bawled. And bawled. But, she did say she'd stop crying if I bought her this awful Spongebob rolling book bag. I of course told her HELL no, and she commenced with her crying. At one point near the end, she had her arms flung out running down the main aisle with her head thrown back, wailing. VERY dramatic. While we were in line, I ended up grabbing her by the meat of her arm and dragging her ass out of the store.

So, that's my lame update.

2006-08-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

I haven't really been updating this thing much. I don't really have anything going on. Just watching TV and hanging with the family. I have been having SUCH a good time with J this week. He is just the cutest little guy on the planet. Today, A was pitching a horrible fit about breaking her black crayon. (She demanded I go out and buy her a new one,and when I said no, she chucked the broken one across the room. She of course got sent to her room) I was laying on my bed trying to ignore her screaming in her room, when J came in, and climbed up with me. I just instinctively put my arms around him, and hugged him tight. After a few seconds, I took my arm off of him, becaue I am used to doing that with A. She doesn't like to be hugged to long. He got up, grabbed my arm, laid down, and put it over him again. It was SO sweet!! So, of course I had to do it a few more times to get him to do it again.

A is doing well in school. I put a call in to the teacher last night and she called this morning before school to answer my question. SHe said of course that A talks to much. No really? Not my child!! But, she said it seemed to be getting better, and I think A just needs some to readjust to being in school. She is doing really well with her breakfast and lunch too. Her school district offers free lunches to all elementary school students. She loves eating Bfast and lunch there. I can't believe how big she is getting!!

2006-08-16T11:03:00.000-07:00

Never EVER fall asleep on a toddler. Well, I don't mean ON TOP of a toddler. Don't ever do that either as you could crush the little bugger, what I mean is don't ever fall asleep while your toddler is awake.

Yesterday, J didn't nap becuase we had all this running around to do. Since A is in school now, the days of napping at 5 pm, to wake at 7 and stay up till midnight are all gone. Now, he has a very small window in which to nap. Lucky for me, my kids loves naps, and asks for them regularly and so the transition has been ok. RIght now, he's napping as I type this.

Since he didn't nap, he conked out after dinner around 7-ish. I changed him and put him to bed, figuring he would sleep through the night, which he did. But, he also woke up at like 6 am this morning which is about 2 hours earlier than usual. I didn't get to bed till 1 am and couldn't sleep well becuase of a clogged nose. Around 8:30 after T and A left, I layed on the couch while J played with his cars. I didn't wake up AT ALL till 10 am when the phone rang.

At my first cautious glance, things SEEMED ok. Like maybe he just meandered downstairs to watch tv the whole time. Then I peeked in the bathroom and there he was, diaper off, shirt soaked, and having a grand ole time in the sink with a cup of water. There was water EVERYWHERE. He sees me and says brightly "Washing hands mommy ok?" Sure, knock yourself out.

Then I found a dumped over a soda, and wet spots all over the house. ::sigh::

What can you do right? At least he's alive and unharmed and I got a nap. Can't really beat that right?

A got off to school somewhat better today. She did pitch a hissy, but T and I were on teh same parenting wavelength and ignored her ever so sweetly and went about the day. I did tell h er if she wailed the word "Tight" (as in TIIIIIGGGHTTTT! TIGGGGGHHHHTTT! TIGGGGHHHTTT) again, I would make her wear those shoes until bedtime. That shut her up with THAT, but that didn't stop her from making the lovemaking seal noises while brushing her teeth.. T did really well, and asked her what she planned on eating for breakfast at school, and asked her wht was for lunch. That distracted her long enough to realize life wasn't coming to an end as she knew it, and she went along her merry way.

2006-08-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes..... I hate my kids.

Yes, I said it. Ok, there. I'm a horrible, terrible person.

A's teacher made a mistake in telling us that A would be allowed to wear sandals. Technically, yes she can wear them... when she doesn't have gym. She didn't tell us that. When does A have gym? Oh every freaking day, except Thursdays. Yesterday, A had to sit out because she was wearing her sandals. I told her when she got home that starting tomorrow (that being today) she would have to wear her tennis shoes from now on. She got a little pissy, but was relatively calm about it. I walked away thinking "Wow, she's really grown up, and understands."

But, when I pulled socks out of her drawer this morning, and handed them to her, everything went to hell in a handbasket very quickly after that. I see it in my head in slow motion. HEr hands slowly reaching up to grasp her hair, as her mouth slowly opens to let out an ear splitting wail of horror. I see the one little snaggle front tooth that's hanging by a sliver of skin, wiggle ever so slightly as she tilts her head back in preperation of all the screaming she plans on doing. Then right when the wailing starts, it all slams into normal motion again.

I shouldn't have to physically hold my 6 yr old down to put her shoes on should I? All the while trying to not knock her block off becuase of all the over the top and loud crying she was doing. I really, really need to videotape it, so you guys can get the full scope of what I deal with. It's unreal. Unreal.

I can admit this now....

2006-08-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

We were idiots.

We really, really were. How we could even THINK that our Ac was running properly is beyond me. All my bitching about the "hot box". Yes, we were stupid. Oh, it's just the heat, and the fact that the tree had been cut down from the front of our house. No, it was actually the HUGE BLOCK OF ICE blocking the air from coming through the vents.

The house feels soooooo sooooo good. It feels heavenly. I don't ever ever want to leave it.

Yesterday, we did go out and run errands. I've decided I am not going to do that anymore with the kids. Ever. Never ever. This was my day.

"Awww why do we have to walk ALL the way down to the van?"
"It's so HOOOOOTTTTTT MOMMMMM!!!!"
"Mommy, it hot" (that's J)
"Mommy, I can' buckle my seat belt, it's to hot"

And on and on and on. Since gas is now priced as if it was a luxury item, I only turn the AC in the van if I really, really, really, REALLY have to. Although yesteday was hot, it wasn't that bad. (Humidity I hate it) Sure, we were all sweaty by the time we ran to the grocery store, the other grocery store, the post office, and a few other places, but, I saved on gas and that is the important thing. I use my 235 ac. I've got the two windows, and I got 358 mph. Hahahaha.

T came home last night and we got to playing around on MySpace. MySpace is not for 30 yr olds, but it was fun. T for some odd reason started his own page, which is by far the LAMEST page ever. He has like 4 friends and that's about it. Anway, we looked up people from our high school, and we looked through our yearbooks to figure out who each person was. Yes, ok we were bored, but we had a good chuckle with it. He wanted me to spruce his page up, so I added some pics and that's about it.

Today has been a lazy day. I've been reading and the kids ahve been running amok.

Snarfalicious.

2006-08-11T13:30:00.000-07:00

Man. I just scarfed a extra value meal from Mickey D's in like 2.2 seconds. Reminder... never allow yourself to get that hungry! Lucky for me, my new meds (are you you all tired of hearing me talk about them yet?) does something with seratonin, which means when I get this hungry, I don't get migraines like before.

Funny thing is that today I am wearing pants that I haven't worn in two summers. I've lost about 10 lbs. At first the meds suppressed my appetite, but now I feel so good, I notice I don't snack anymore. Isn't that weird how a little pill can make SUCH a difference? It's amazing to me, and I am kicking myself for not doing this sooner. I just FEEL GOOD.

Unfortunately, last night we tried to get it on again, and I was unable to have a normal orgasm. I had one, but it wasn't anything like before. I am going to give the meds a few more weeks, and if it doesn't fix itself I'll bring it up to my Dr.

Sweet relief.

2006-08-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

It's odd knowing you live in a house that doesn't belong to you, and that ultimately, your opinion means jack. I have a fear of "bothering" people, so we put up with a lot before we actually decide to call the landlord, often fixing things on our own without her knowledge. We've replaced windows, light switches, filters, and the like just to have it over and done with.

Recently, we noticed our Ac wasn't working. Me, being the delicate flower I am was especially affected by this. But, when T started coming home and cursing from the heat of the house, we knew something couldn't be right. At first we assumed with the heat advisories and all, the AC just couldn't keep up with the heat. Our tree in our front yard had been removed, allowing more sun to shine through our front window, and the kitchen had always been a bit of a hot box since moving in. As the days went on though, it got hotter, and hotter, and yet hotter still, often hitting 85 when we all went to bed!

T finally called and we waited patiently for a week to call back. One drawback to having an 81 yr old landlady (albeit a young and spry 81) is she's forgetful. So, she forgot to call us back. Unable to take it anymore, T called again yesterday. She showed up this morning with a passel of workers ready to go.

This always makes me nervous. Agian, this is HER house, and therefore I'm always paranoid about her finding fault with something. I expected her to be PISSED when she found out that ultimately the AC froze up, probably from us leaving at like 60 just to get some sweet relief. But, she wasn't. She was sweet as pie, whipped out her credit card, and we recieved a new AC today! Well, WE did't SHE did, because again, this is HER house, but it feel ever so good in here.

So, that is my boring update.

I am still feeling well. I have upped my meds to 60 mg per my Dr's instructions. I started off at 1/2 the dose to get used to it, and then went up a week later to the full dose. I have to fill my RX for the pills soon, as I am almost out of samples. I feel good, if not a bit tired. (with the higher dosages came the return of a few side affects) I have noticed a positive change in my demeanor and attitude. I am more positive, and less anxious. This AC thing would have sent me in a tizzy of freak outs and what if's but, I didn't have any of that. T and I are getting along wonderfully as well, and I am being nicer to the children, and there for them more.

The only concern I have is the sexual side affects. T and I tried to have some fun the other night and I wasn't working properly. This could have been becuase I was so tired, as I had already fallen asleep once that night, at least I am hoping that is what the problem was.

2006-08-09T18:47:00.000-07:00

We had open house at A's school today. Meet the teacher kinda thing. She is in the class with three of her old classmates, one girl we just recently had over.

A saw her old teacher and gave her a shell she found at the river. Mrs. W was very appreciative of the shell, and told A that the teddy bear she got her sat on her living room table ALL summer, and whenever anyone came over, they made a big deal about it. The new teacher wasn't as appreciative of the shell A gave HER. I'm tyring to be positive, but Mrs. S didn't seem very nice.

But, the classroom is very cute. They have big kid desks now, and we looked at her math and spelling workbooks. It just looks so big kid compared to her kindy class. I got a little choked up.

I'm feeling good today. I noticed I didn't have the urge to be on teh compute rlike I used to. That's a good thing. I'm sweating my ass off right now becuae our AC is fucked. There's no other word for it. Someone should be coming out tomorrow to check it out. I wouldnt be surprised if it needs to be replaced. We have been sweating every single day. Right now it's 85 degrees in our house. It's terrible!

Wow. The anti depressants must be working.....

2006-08-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

T went fishing today and I didn't even get mad or fuss.

Amazing.

2006-08-07T15:29:00.000-07:00

We had a nice weekend away this past weekend. Me, T and A went camping while J stayed with my mom one day, and some friends the next.

It was wonderful. We had SUCH a good time. The weather was perfect, not too humid, and hot enough to make you want to jump in the water every chance we got. We got there on Friday around 6 pm, which was about oh 4 hours after we thought we'd get there. Typical isn't it? It was hard to pack up our van when it's a block down the street ok? Actually, who am I kidding? I didn't pack shit. That was T's job.

We drop J off and run all our little errands beforehand, and start on our way. The new meds make me tired, so I slept most the 2 hours down there. We get there, and M was just getting there with his new girlfriend R. This group we camp with we met through M. M used to work for the YMCA and this is a group of employees, and families that became friendly and started camping together socially. We first met this group 9 years ago, about a month before our wedding. This was when M was dating T's sister, and we all went down there together. We went again two years ago, with A then too, and then again this year. This year though, our other friends joined us as well, with their son.

We set up camp. We didn't have an air mattress. THAT sucked. We were supposed to borrow someone's stuff, but T never went and got it, so someone else borrowed it and we were stuck. Plus, the battery pack T got from his dad didn't fit my machine. We had borrowed one for M too and his worked great, so I got to be the snorer at camp. It was embarrasing.

The second day, we swam all day. The guys got so drunk so early in teh day, that by the time we got dinner cooked, and eaten, all three were ready for bed. Actually, after swimming M went right to bed at like 5:30. Nothing we did could get him to wake up. We even had a 3 yr old in there kicking him, and he refused to wake. While swimming I realized I started my period. Oh joy!

The next day, we did our float trip. Each camping excursion is ended with a float trip on Sunday. A float trip is when you float down a river in a canoe, raft or inner tube. We did raft last year and it sucked, as we had to pull it most the way. This year we got a canoe and it was awesome. We had to do a different route this year becuase of the water being so low, and this route was awesome. We didn't have to drag the canoe hardly at all. I was thinking we should do it every year, when someone else from the group told the group leader the very same thing. Running into the woods every hour to change my tampon wasn't fun at all. It was disgusting. The first time I did it, I tried to bend over to insert, and got this wicked stomach cramp. No matter what I did it wouldn't go away. Talk about out of shape. I am so out of shape I can not insert my tampon. SO sad.

We just had a really awesome time. T and I reconnected this past weekend. We acted all in love and happy the whole time. A was a little bit of a whiner, but we dealt with it. T caught her a small soft shell turtle and it now resides in our fish tank. Speedy is adjusting, much to my chagrin. Turtles are just covered in germs and icky stuff. I now keep a bottle of hand disinfectant on top of the tank.

I feel better. The first few days I was hit with an onslaught of side affects. Dry mouth, fatigue, excessive sweating, insomnia (I love how you have fatigue, yet lay there ALL night, not sleeping) and nausea. I also had appetite supression, but that was kind of cool. Fortunately (and unfortunately for the appetite supression) they seem to be fading. Today I can say I don;'t think I have any. I feel better too. Today, I went and got my hair cut, my nails done, and a pedicure. I noticed this weekend, that I have really let myself go in teh looks department. I feel good. It's hard to explain HOW I feel but, as its little subtle differences. I don't feel overwhelmed, I feel calm, and cool. I have barely lost my temper this whole time and, I actually got up this morning and dusted the living room.

So, hopefully thins will get better from here on out.

2006-08-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

So, I went to the dr. this morning. I cried through most the appointment and my Dr. was completely sympathetic and helpful. Sometimes he does blow me off on things, so I was afraid this would be one, but he told me that he kinda knew I had a problem. That was a bit of a "whoah" moment. He reminded me of the time he broached the subject with me, and I blew it off as stress. THat was like 2 yrs ago. He said that I have a tendency to deflect my problems away from me, and that I was doing that with my medical problems, and that he figured that I was having other deeper rooted issues since I was unwilling to really work on my health. Which is the reason he hadn't brought it up since then I assume. I know if he had said something to me, I would have probably switched dr's.

I took a mood disorder and depression quiz. I quickly tabulated my score for the depression quiz and scored a "moderate".

The Dr asked if I would be receptive to talking to a counselor and I said yes. Then, he got kinda quiet and said "I think you would benefit from drugs, would you be open to THAT?" and I thought "God, Dr. Miriani why are you so glib?" in reference to Tom Cruise and MAtt Laurer. I didn't REALLY think he was being glib, just a private joke to myself, but then I said yes.

He gave me some samples of Cymbalta. I have to take a smaller dose for seven days, and then up the dose after that. I have an RX and I told T if I feel good after two weeks, and insuracne doesn't cover it, I will still pay for it. He agreed.

So that's that. Now I have to talk to my insurance company about fidning a therapist.

Look at me. I'm all 21st century with my mental meds, and talking to a therapist.

2006-08-01T21:27:00.000-07:00

I'm a little nervous about my appointment tomorrow. I told my sister about it (she surprisingly stopped by to have coffee. I dont think she's done that in months) and she was surprisingly accepting of it. While telling her, I almost started to cry. It was a relief to get it out in the open. I never realized it but I have always just kept it hidden. Even from T. I just never discussed it.

I'm not looking for excuses. I am looking for answers. I am looking for whatever the truth is. If I find out that I am perfectly normal, and there isn't a thing wrong with me, I'll move on from there, and accept that I am just a lazy bum. If there is a problem then well, I'll take whatever help is offered and move on from there.

While I was telling my sister about my three suspected episodes she said "Wow, really? You hide it well" and that can it freaked me out. Either I'm normal, or I'm just a crazy shrew all the time.

I made the call.

2006-08-01T11:23:00.000-07:00

Again thanks for all the care and concern everyone.

I woke up yesterday feeling better, and almost didn't make the call but I did. Even after I made it I felt stupid, but when I told my MIL that I was going tomorrow I almost started to cry, and that made me see that even if it goes away for a bit, it's always lurking. Waiting to come out when I least expect it.

It kind of reminds me of the movie (or book. I've seen and read both) Rosemary's Baby. Rosemary was having a baby, and for some reason, she was in much pain. Debilitating pain. Her friends begged her to please get help, that pain like she was experiencing just wasn't normal. But, because Rosemary thought that every pregnancy is different (as that's what the old devil worshippers put in her head to think) she soldiered on. Who was she to complain about pain, when she should just be happy to have a child! Finally when she made the step to see a new Dr (instead of the devil worshipping one) the baby stopped causing her pain for fear of discovery. At first she forgot the pain, as she reveled in her energy and baby bliss. But the devil baby never went AWAY, it just hid, and caused pain later. (Sorry to those who've never see the movie or the book. They're both good even if I gave the ending away and I highly recommend them)

So, tomorrow I go. I'm nervous, but I know I have to do it. I don't want MY devil coming back to hurt me.

2006-07-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the kind words. I feel like a big attention whore about it.

I've thought on it more last night and I plan on calling my Dr. tomorrow. If anything maybe he can refer me to a therapist and I can at least gets some answers.

Thanks to all of you for nudging me toward this. I come from a family that thinks mental illness is more or less "made up" and an "excuse" for people who are not strong enough to "get over it" So its a very daunting step for me. I realize that I don't have to share my business with anyone and that is comforting.

I've always wondered if I've been depressed since my teens. That was when depression "CAme out" so to speak and was everywhere. SOmething about it always felt familiar to it, but yet I couldn't tell my parents I thought I may need help.

When I was 18 I had moved out on my own with T. I immediately got pregnant, and lost the child at 10 weeks. When I did, I felt more relief than sadness (although I did feel sad) and I didn't/couldn't share with my family. I didn't want to hear the "I told you so's" I couldn't bear to prove my parents right, that I was worthless and made poor decisions, and that everything they thought about me was true. Only a few knew. After this is what I like to describe as my "dark time" where for about six months? I rarely bathed. I slept all day if I didn't have to go to work. T and I didn't have sex for this entire time from fear of pregnancy,and from just being depressed. I now get embarrassed when I think of that time. I think of my coworkers and how they must have mocked and ridculed me when I wasn't around for being so gross and icky. Then I started to get fat. In one year I put on 70 lbs. I went from 130 to 200. Although I eventually started to bathe again, I still felt off until we moved away.

I don't really know what changed in me and what got me over it. I think moving away from my parents helped, although I dont really blame them for the problem. I just needed to be free I think from labels and expectations. At home I was the loser, and therefore I felt like one I guess?

With both kids looking back I realize that I had PPD with both, more so with J than with A.

All these times I look back NOW and realize that shit isn't normal. That I desperately needed help (especially when I was 18) and jsut didn't klnow what to do.

A lot of my family is like this. My cousin who I get along with wonderfully is chock full of meds. But she says she wouldnt change it for the world, even though she knows for her, its forever. Even M my best friend has been off and on for years, and tells me its something I may need to look into.

Who knows. The only thing I can do is make the call.

2006-07-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

I have not been a happy camper as of late. Everything that comes out of my mouth has been crappy, negative whining. I am not happy about it at all. It's like I hear myself and I just want to yell "Shut up! Stop it!! No one likes a whiner"

I need to find inner peace, and fast.

I feel the turmoil within me. I know that I need to make positive changes in my life. I KNOW this but where to start? What do I do to get the life I had back at the first of the year? How much is enviroment? How much is self imposed? How much can I blame on Dh? How much is PMS? All these thoughts, all these things running through my head.

I just WISH I knew where to start. I wish I would get some sign, some message from above that says "Do THIS first and all the rest shall follow"

Once again my mind wanders toward talking to my dr, and maybe getting some medication. But, is that the "easy" way out? I don't know. I just want an answer and some help. I want to get up everyday and get moving and do what I know I need to get done. But, I just can't. I sit and watch tv or I play on the computer. The thought of washing the dishes, or cooking a meal is to overwhelming. To actually fold those clothes and put them away, exhausting. Is it a matter of just Flyladying it, and feeling better? Oh sure it works for awhile but, I can never ever stick with it. Story of my freaking life.

Call me Dumbass.

2006-07-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

I've been ranting and raving about our hotbox of a house. Last night I lost it. First of all, we had issues with our light switches. Three lights we were unable to turn on, that must have blown when the power came back on. Simple fixes but they involved turning the power off and it was hot.

Last night as I was sweating my ass of at midnight, we decided to close all vents except in the bedrooms, and blast our fan. It worked and we were cool.

This morning, T came up with the brilliant idea. He CLOSED THE DOOR to the basement.

DOH!

WHy in three years we never thought of this is beyond me. The basement is only cooled by one small vent. Yet it was always icicle cold down here. That's because our dumb asses left the door open and hot air comes up, and cold air goes down.

I truly feel like an idiot about this. We left the door open because the kids like to go up and down, but now they know it has to stay closed.

2006-07-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

WE finally got power back on last night. I came home and realized I had left my house in true disarray. FlyLady would be ever so pissed. In my defense this house is a hot box, and therefore it's hard to clean and not have heat stroke.

Speaking of hot box, I made an odd discovery yesterday. I hadn't seen nor really touched my vagina in 8 days. Usually I scratch, or check hair growth, or pick at ingrown hairs. Or I just stick my hands down my pants while watching tv or whatever. I am not pleasuring myself, I guess I like my vagina like guys like their balls. It's mine, and that's comforting I guess. Or I'm a freak.

Anyway, when you live with other people, a lot of things you can't do. I couldn't walk around or sleep in the nude. I guess this is where I missed my vagina. I don't know. But, it was odd to one, realize that I had not thought of my vagina in 8 days, and two, to NOTICE that I hadn't thought about my vagina in 8 days.

When you don't have electricity and staying with someone who likes soap operas.... a lot (Not M his cousin) you get to thinking. It's a good opportunity to think of other things, other than your vagina, which apparantly, I thought about a lot before this happened.

A few things, I think I need to start talking to a counselor about some issues I've always had struggles with. Maybe get on some good meds.

Also, this porn thing is really getting to me. I have referred to myself as the following in the last week... a side of beef, a fat cow, a fatty, a whale, overly large. You get the picture. I am usually upbeat and positive about my looks, but since this porn thing it has gotten steadily worse. Also, I have been saying this stuff in front of A and now she says she's ugly. There was a billboard we passed last week on the way to Meramac caverns that said "Porn Destroys" No kidding.

I also have no urge to have sex with my dh and it concerns me. I know I am hurt by this, I can barely speak civily to him and I hate it.

Hopefully life should right itself soon.

Day 8

2006-07-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

Motherfucker.

I am so upset right now, I can't even formulate a pleasant sentence.

One whole week.

2006-07-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

Of no power. I'm trying not to let it get me down. I joked about being the last of the last, not really expecting to be quite literally the last of the last. Ha ha Jokes on me fellas.

Feeling insecure over the whole situation, I decided to call a few minutes ago. I had this feeling that maybe we were missing something. That maybe we were the only assholes on the block without power. I was assured that No we were not the only people without power. THere are SIXTY ONE people left in my town without power. SIXTY FUCKING ONE and we're one of them.

The kids have hit the wall. J has had a bad fever and sore throat. He threw up last night. Keeping them quiet has been impossible and Mike goes to bed EARLY. Lets not even discuss lack of sex. Please.

I'm trying to be as positve as I can about it, but its hard.

2006-07-25T14:26:00.000-07:00

We're still without power. I think a lot of people seem to think this isn't a big deal, and that us St. Louisans should just suck it up, and think of Katrina and be grateful. Well I'm a lucky one I'll admit but I hate the dismissive attitude of some. This is day SIX of us not having electricity. I am already hundreds of dollars in the hole. Have I mentioned that um... I'm poor? The financial repercussions of this will be felt for us for a long time.

I am not expecting boo hoo crybaby sympathy. But, I don't know, I don't appreciate people calling it "a pain" or saying "Oh its like a hurricane but you can go outside and you have fresh water" Actually no. We had to boil our water where we live and if you had an electric stove... um no water. There is no ice anywhere in North County. It all melted. My parents, who currently have power, can't buy food, since it all went bad. Generators can only do so much. My mom says meat is hard to find, and what you do find, you're wary of as it may have been thawed an bordering on going bad.

So, no it's not Katrina. But, I will say this, crews from Mississippi are here helping with the restoration efforts and have said that what they are seeing here with the power lines are just as bad, if not WORSE than Katrina. We're talking the state of the power lines, not in general. They say that its not even trying to fix the power lines, that a lot of times it's starting fresh and building from scratch.

Everyone who thinks Im being a whiny crybaby can try and live six days in a small house, with four adults and two kids with a yard a 1/3 of what they're used to. It's been a tough six days for us. Not as tough as some people who had no where to go, but its been tough none the less.

Teh best bitches in the world.

2006-07-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

For those of you who may not have known we've been out of power since Wednesday during a heat wave like you wouldn't believe. The first night we drove around trying to find rooms for three hours. No luck. We ended up coming home at 1 am and sleeping in the basement with no AC no lights nothing. Luckily our friend had power and we've been staying with him ever since.

Today I have had a horrible day. It was just the end all to a shitty week. Still no power. No idea when its coming back on. Sore back from sleeping on the floor, kids going fucking haywire, no money, no spirit. Just BAAD.
Then I decided to check my email for the first time since this whole power outtage thing happened. There were 103 email. I was tempted to just dump it all figuring they were all emails from FlyLady telling me to look for the fucking GodBreeze in the situation or to remind me to swish and swipe, or it was all FreeCycle stuff.

But, with nothing better to do, I decided to go through each one. I got to one labeled "We Love you Sandi!!" and I saw it was from my friend Shell. Expecting a "Thinking of you" message, I opened it. Imagine my surprise when I saw that there inside was a paypal reciept for $100 to help me restock my fridge.

I burst into tears. Here was a gift from people I';ve never met, to help me and my family. When my own fucking sister didnt call to me to tell me she had power until I drove 45 minutes out HERE and it was like "Oh well, we figured you were going out there and you wouldnt want to come here" Ummm lets see... 5 minutes for 45?

So, Lois, Coops, Shell, Jenn, Xtina. You guys are the shit. I love you guys more than you'll ever know.

Message from above....

2006-07-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

Oh ok not from above, but from a Mouse.

If he can learn to validate your pain and rage on a daily basis -- for as long as it takes -- you will find it easier to move forward. Without this validation, the pain may never go away.

This is reference to an affair, but it really does go with my situation as well. I think this is the biggest problem I have is that I just want him to say over and over he understands the pain he's caused me. Although he never wants me to get over it already, he does often ignore the fact that there is a problem. I think HE thinks becaue these aren't "real" women, that I shouldn't be SO angry.

For those of you who may be scratching their heads, wondering what the big deal is about internet porn, all I have to say is, you don't know until it happens to you. Just like people who's DH's can have a few beers after work with no ill affects don't know how earth shattering for someone else's dh to have even one a month. When its a problem, you'd know, and if it's not a problem for you, then count your blessings.

Growing up with an addict for a dad I got dragged to meetings and movies about addiction. One thing that has always stuck is this... a true sign of an addict isn't HOW often they do it, but what happens when they DO. If an addict only feeds their addiction once a year, but spins out of control, hurting people on the way and leaving them to pick up the pieces, it's a problem.

This is what was happening here. Dh has a pattern. A pretty typical one. When he starts to come home, and immediatly flop on the couch, gripe at the kids the whole time, and then conks out at 10 pm each night without so much as a word to me, I can pretty much guarantee he is going to or has looked at something.

My plan was to kick him out for a day or two. Give him a taste of what couldhappen. I got a migraine last night, one of my worst ever. The kind that has me heaving in the toilet bowl till I';m heaving up stomach acid (*shudder*) and I needed him there. When I went to grab his arm to ask a question, he folded into me, and cried and cried. Then later while I was laying there trying not to claw my eyes, I cried over it all and he cried with me. Then this morning when I felt he was being too flippant about something, he cried some more.

We are hobbits with all our crying.

A part of me feels weak for letting his tears make me go soft. Another part of me says I shouldn't worry about it, and we'll get through this together. the WHOLE part of me just loves him and misses him when he's not here, and I just wanted to protect him and me and the kids and us and all of the world.

That's the hard part about loving someone. When you're both hurting, you are so torn. Do I protect myself, the kids, Dh? By making him leave I would heal sooner, but by making him leave, I hurt him and the kids to boot. Who do you sacrifice?

If Mama ain't happy....

2006-07-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

She's not a blogging bitch.

Life has been pretty sucky here the last few days. At FIRST it was just busy, with my sisters graduation party, and my cousin having her daughter. Then it just got sucky.

I noticed that I only blog when I'm happy and feeling care free and life is good. Life is NOT good. I was already feeling like I need Prozac and now I feel like I need heroine to get through life (just a joke! I'm not out poking needles between my toes... yet)

Yet, I'm scared. I'm scared to go to my Dr and tell him I feel "off" and "sad" and like I need a chemicals to make me feel better. Because then he'll just want to check my blood sugars and comment on my weight, and really does a woman need that when she's feeling blue?

T and I are in a bad bad place right now. He was caught again with the porn. Evil porn. I will never look at a money shot the same again thanks to him. Then this morning I went balance the check book and the amount of money he spends on shit is mind boggling.

So, I';m holding on but barely.

2006-07-15T15:00:00.001-07:00

Life has been good, yet I find myself picking it apart to find the bad, or imagining the bad that isn't there. This worries me a lot. A LOT. It makes me wonder if I have a problem of some sort. I just don't know. Do you just go to your Dr. and say "Hey, you know what? I think my friends are talking about me, and that my DH is cheating for no apparant reason. I have this feeling that everything everyone says is a hidden barb toward me. Can you help me?"

My first thought is that I'm not sleeping well. Staying up to late and issues with my machine. I find myself slipping back into sit on the computer all day routine which isn't good. I haven't really talked about those days, but those day... those days were bad. Those days were days I could sit here and get up and have missed a good chunk of day, yet can not pull myself away.

I'm scared. Really scared. I don't know what to do, or if I'll be taken seriously when I do take the step. I don't know if I need exercise/sun therapy/vacation/drugs I don't know what I need to make myself FEEL right.

It worries me.

2006-07-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

2006-07-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

Just when I think I've found it, I realize it's not all I thought it was and that no matter what Im pushed to the fringe.

2006-07-12T17:40:00.000-07:00

"An F-14 Tomcat. Those are so cool"
"Didn't you have a T-shirt with one of those on there when we were younger?"
"Yeah"
"Was it because of Top Gun?"
"No! It's because I think they're the coolest looking planes out there"
"It looks like... a plane"
"No, look at the wings, and all those curves"
"Curves?"
"Yeah, curves"
"Ok"
"If you were a plane baby, you'd be an f-14 Tomcat"
"Really?" *grins like a girl who's pimpled faced boyfriend copped a feel over her sweater*

I was actually embarrassed that I found it so fucking flattering. But, I think it's because I know how much he LIKES those planes so, well if he liked rump roast with that kind of passion and compared me to one, I'd be flattered as well I guess.

Today, T got a taste of MY life. When I went to Ireland, T avoided leaving the house for a whole week at all cost. Today I had a dental appointment, and he was so antsy pantsy to get his shit squared away with his bike, he thought it would be a great idea to take J to the DMV with him. I cackeled on the inside and agreed wholeheartedly that YES! That was fabulous idea, and hey why didn't he take him toget a haircut too!! I did feel bad for the fucker, so I did suggest that he pay the taxes before I left.

So, I went to the dentist and came back and T was not a happy camper. HE said he had to hold J for AN HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES at the DMV! and he had to GIVE THE WOMEN A FAT TIP BECAUSE J WAS SUCH A PAIN!! I just said "WElco-" and he said "Yeah yeah yeah I got it"

I have not been a good wife.

2006-07-11T15:43:00.000-07:00

All my pride from yesterday about how deserved his bike, and how I am ok with the whole thing blew up in my face last night.

Becuase, you know my thing, I can't fake the funk. Actually I need to rename my blog that. Unable to fake the funk since 1976 or something. Anyway, so yeah, although I AM proud and he DOES deserve it for the most part, there still is a bitter little pill inside of me. The bitter little pill that whispers "Ummmm arent you have a hard time paying your shit NOW, without adding to it all?"

Yes, fucker, yes ok? But, to live the AMERICAN DREAM you got have DEBT and granted the total loan amount he got was under 3k and that was to cover our personal property tax that needed to pay back in DECEMBER of 05, and plates, and a jacket, and a helmet, and for him to get a new liscense, and a years worth of insurance and all that jazz.

I was able to ignore wee bitter pill most the time, until last night I went upstairs, and my loving husband who just set us back a bit financially a few grand, my dh who could have waited to get the bike in January when we got our taxes done, was laying in bed, after being gone all night bowling.

I was a little pissed. Did he think to take the trash out? No! Did he wash a dish? Um no again. He was laying there watching tv in his underwear.

Bitter pill had to speak. Bitter pill was getting hard to control. Bitter pill, in it's awful need to get out liquified into bitter bile, and the bitter bile came rushing out of my mouth, spewing forth all the worries and concerns and frustrations right onto my DH's lap.

*Sigh*

The worst part of it though is that I commented while chatting last night that when T came home from bowling he was riding a high. His face was smooth as alabaster. His face was lit up with pure unadulterated bliss. The kind that only shines from the inside. He was riding a high. I have never seen his face like that, void of stress lines and frowny wrinkles, and I think a part of me hated him for it. A part of me, that nasty negative hateful side of me thought "What the fuck? WHy can't I have that?"

So, I made him feel guilty about getting it.

And I hate myself for it today. And even though I hate myself for it, so much so tht I've barely been able to function today I have still been mean all day.

I am a miserable person.

Taking a mental health day.

2006-07-10T14:48:00.000-07:00

That's right. Who says a SAHM can't take a mental health day? A day to sit in her pajama's and not pick up a thing, to feed the kids whatever is laying around, and not actually turn the stove on. The only problem with MHD with a SAHM is that you never get away from your employers.

Actually I had every intention of getting stuff done today, but my day started to spiral out of control QUITE early.

First, I decided to call my friend M. I don't know if I've mentioned that M has gotten himself a cute little lady friend. One that has a job that doesn't involve taking her clothes off, and applying latex to her nipples. Actually her job is pretty cool. She's a medical assistant in a pediatritions office. So, good with kids. Speaking of kids, she has none of her own, which I learned from M is quite hard to find in a single girl approaching her 30's. She is Romanian, and used to be married but is now divorced. She does not dress like a slut, and has her own car, and she seems to adore him. According to him, she spends a lot of their time together calling his ex (who would be T's sister) stupid for letting such a good man go. I couldn't agree more sista, but her loss is your wonderful gain. I've been bugging him to make babies with this girl, lots and lots of beautiful Romanian babies and he said I am worse than his mom. I'm ready to be an aunt damn it. Have I mentioned they've been dating about a month, and haven't even said the "L" word yet?

ANYWHOO let me cut that long seliloquy off and say that I've tried calling him twice in the last week, and TWICE right to voice mail. Now, here's the thing, I'm a paranoid FUHREEK! and I'm on my period which makes me double paranoid. I almost had several panic attacks this morning thinking that our friendship was over, that I knew that it would happen, but fuck not quite so soon. That I can't call him and tell him this because of that line that platonic guy/girl friendships have and you just can't say anything that can be taken as "I want your cock in me" So, I made myself wait a bit and I called his house. He didn't go into work today, that's why the phone was off. So, we had our nice little chat, I did tell him I was freaked out, I begged him to have babies again, and we got off the phone.

Trying to get motivated was going to be a chore. But, then after making these phone calls, I walked into the kitchen and J had dumped trash all over the place. I cleaned it up, and then retreated to my hidey hole. Life is to hard today. Pass me the remote and a cup of coffee. Sandi is not here right now, leave a message and she'll get back to you tomorrow. *beeep*

I've been tagged!!

2006-07-10T07:58:00.000-07:00

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
1: Being abducted by aliens.
2: T or the kids dying
3: Realizing I am a miserable person and people only tolerate me becuase they have to.

THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
1: My sister
2: My kids
3: My friend M.

THREE THINGS I LOVE:
1: coffee
2: my down comforter
3: reading a book with breakfast

THREE THINGS I HATE:
1: That I am so fat
2: skim milk in my coffee
3: dieting

THREE THINGS I DON’T UNDERSTAND:
1: Suduko
2: How people are ok with littering
3: The need for an SUV

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
1: Coffee mug
2: Red hot Riplets bag from last night
3: A roll of TP for my nose

THREE THINGS I’M DOING RIGHT NOW:
1: Typing this of course
2: Trying not to freak out over the fact that I think my friend is avoiding me.
3: Wondering what I should have for bfast

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1: See my kids settled and happy, with a grandchild or 4.
2: Travel the world, and see the things I've only read about in books
3: Find a passion. Something that I love to do and am good at doing.

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
1. Blow spit bubbles
2. Pop my jaw
3. Make a mean cup o joe

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
1. Snarky
2. Gossipy
3. Mildly funny

THREE THINGS I CAN’T DO:
1. get over my stupid fear of frogs
2. get over my stupid fear of heights
3. Pee in the woods while sqatting. I always end up with wet ankles.

THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
1: My gut
2: My kids
3: my heart

THREE THINGS I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
1: Celebrities
2: My sister
3: Pat Robertson

THREE OF MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
1: Juicy hamburger
2. Fried Chicken
3. Chinese

THREE THINGS I’D LIKE TO LEARN:
1: To sew
2: to be a writer
3: to live a healthy lifestyle

THREE BEVERAGES I DRINK REGULARLY:
1: Coffee
2: Water
3: Diet coke with splenda

THREE SHOWS I WATCHED WHEN I WAS A KID:
1: Punky Brewster
2: The Cosby Show
3: Saved by The Bell

THREE PEOPLE WHO YOU TAGGED TO DO THIS MEME
1: Pam
2: Jenn
3: Dina

2006-07-09T17:29:00.000-07:00

Well he's gone and done it people.

T is getting his motorcycle, and he's bringing it home tomorrow.

Everyone keeps asking me how I feel about it, and overall I'm ok. The main dissappointment (and remember, I can not hide disappointment very well) was the KIND of bike he was getting. He kept saying he wanted to get a sport bike, a crotch rocket if you will, and I was cool with that. I knew that T is going to be responsible driver, and truth be told, I think they're kinda hot ok? But, he's now not going to get one of those, now he's getting a harley-esque thing (although not a Harley)

So, instead of this.....

He's getting this....

And when I first saw it... all I could think about was this.....

And this.....

And hanging out with people like this...

I was a little freaked out. I don't think I would make a good biker babe is all I'm saying. I am not not saying Bikers are bad people, but let's just say I don't think I would look good in a POW-MIA do rag on my head. (BTW that is NOT pronouned pow-mia, as in Pow! I hit Mia right in the face. T actually snorked soda through his nose when I said it once)

But, the more I looked at it, the more I'm ok with it. The financial aspect also is freaky. We'r starting to get our shit together, and to add something else to the mix is just kinda icks. I just keep telling myself that he did a wonderful thing (getting advanced WAY early) and he got his associates degree, AND he agreed to counseling (he;s gone one whole month without internet porn) I really can't deny him you know?

But, can I just say the bike boner is getting annoying? He's been swaggering around like he's the cock of the walk. His been down right mouthy to me this weekend AND he could barely sleep from thinking about it all.

He did all the work himelf too, and he got a REALLY good deal. At one point he was thinking a new bike (eep!) but, the self contraint he displayed by not going out and buying just anything has been impressive. Because he waited, he got to partake in this wonderful opportunity. A MArine recruiter is selling his wifes back (she never rode it) so although its a 91 it only has 9K milkes on it. He got it for $1800 and from someone he knows won't rip him. He's getting a 91 Suzuki Intruder. (the pic above is what he is actually getting same color and all)

I really can't argue with him though how much this will save us in gas as well.

Plus it makes him happy, and I like seeing him excited... little kid excited over something.

2006-07-07T10:50:00.000-07:00

Today I heard actual disappointment in my Dh's voice for me today. It was quite hurtful although I don't blame him. I made an accounting error in our checking account and I called to tell him about it, and the mix of disappointment, aggravation, and annoyance was too much to bear. This is a tone that I've never heard him use before. I know he's thinking "Not again" He see's how I obsess over teh shit.

I didn't yell, but now I want to tell him HE can do the bills. I don't care.

No place to call home.

2006-07-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

I.want.my.own.house.

More than anything, I want my own house. I have the husband, I have the kids, I want a house. People get baby lust, I got house lust.

Lately friends and family have been working on their homes or getting new ones. Putting in hardwood floors, painting, redecorating. On my boards it's topic of conversation constantly, and I can't contribute.

I've never owned my own home. I've never lived in a place since being on my own, that had color on the walls. I don't care about these places. Yesterday our neighbor gave me some hydgrengas which are my favorite flowers. I said that and she said she'd give me some to plant, and I thought "Why? I won't be able to see them grow. I'll get to tend to them for a few months, and be gone from here"

I'm almost thirty and I feel like I'm falling behind the pack. No matter where we move we won't be able to afford a house, because the places we have options to move to are all very expensive. We'd never be able to afford a house payment in these areas.

My sister is painting her house and I am so jealous I can barely see straight. Yesterday I was watching a documentary and they were showing this redneck family living in trailers, and I thought "Wow, those look so homey and nice"

I guess I could attemtp to make my house "homey" but I don't get into it becuase it's not my place.

So concludes our holiday weekend.

2006-07-05T09:16:00.000-07:00

And WHAT an ending.

We took the kids to see fireworks a few towns away. We packed up our wagon( which was it's first excursion outside of a walking to and from school, and the park) with a blanket and filled it's handy little cooler (or trunk to some people ;) ) with juice pouches and sodas. We got in our van and left. I thought we were leaving a little early, but we were right on time. We had little traffic, found a free parking spot right away, which was as close as we could get without paying and walked five minutes to the park. We found a decent spot a few yards from the river, and we had enough time for funnel cakes, and a walk before they started. I had promised A we would play games before hand, but we didn't get there soon enough for THAT. But, she was content with a wagon ride (She ususally rides her bike), funnel cake, juice box, glow necklace and a fireworks show.

We watched the show, and it was very good, if not a bit long. (25 minutes or so) I expected J to be a puddle of tears, but showing that boys really DO love things that go BANG he enjoyed most of it. When the first few went off, he yelled "YES!!" while pointing at the sky. During the finale, he was such a sight! I wish I had a video camera. He was sitting on the blanket, bare foot and his little feet were kicking a mile a money while he yelled incoherantly at the sky. It was like *kick kick kick* BLAdhadoooyah! *kick kick kick* Yeahhawwwkfkakhdkd

T for once, was not a surly bastard. He DETESTS crowds, but went along good naturedly and he said he had fun. He even checked out the fireworks shows in the paper yesterday morning to see which would be best. He's really trying and I love him all the more for it.

A said that this has been the "BEST weekend of her whole entire life" Well it damn well better have been. Let's see in four days she made 2 trips to the pool, went fishing, bowling, and watched a fireworks show. Also, when T came back from fishing on Monday, he had some leftover minnows, so now we have new addtitions to our family.

Today the kids have not made a peep about Tickadonalds, going bye bye, no mention of the park, regular or water and I thank them. It's like they know they had more fun than most kids, and they should just let it ride for now. WE do have a trip to the dollar store slated for later.

This four day weekend was such a blessing. We really needed the break, T especially. I made a real effort not to bitch about anything, and I think we did a good job. We watched movies and played games. It was a good time.

The reality of life came crashing down this morning though. T used to staying up late stayed up until about 2 playing a stupid game. Then he hit snooze three times (he set our snooze for 20 minutes) so he woke late. Then I hear him crashing around this morning, he couldn't find his shoe. I had to drag my ass out of bed and help him. It had landed in the kids closet.

2006-07-03T07:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a nice family day. We all got up at a decent time, except for J who slept in till 10:30!! It was like I was getting a glimpse of his teen years. We were all breakfasted, dressed and ready to start our day when he comes strolling in, blanket in hand, paci in mouth (STOP JUDGING ME!) and the cutest case of bed head ever.

Shortly after, T and A (T and A *snicker*) left to go fishing. They were there for maybe two hours. J and I played and hung out. Did some laundry, had some lunch (Breakfast for him) and took a shower.

After they got back, we farted around a bit, but then we headed to the bowling alley. T is on a league and wanted to fish today, so he wanted to pre bowl. He plays with the guys he works with, and one of them is the guy who's DD A spends time with. T called to see if they wanted to join us for a few games after he was done. We played and I beat T on the last game by one pin. Granted, I was on my 2nd game and he was on his 6th.

The plan was to get some food at the snack bar since bowling alley food is quite honestly delicious. I have NEVER gotten bad food from a bowling alley. I don't know if it's because everything is covered in grease or because the little old ladies slinging it up add a little extra love in it, but it's always good. Alas, the snack bar was closed. By the time we left, it was 6:15 and we were starving. We ended up getting fried chicken and we came home and watched Nanny McPhee while eating in our basement. It was SO much fun. We hadn't done that in a LONG time. I realized that normally, I would eat and play a game on the computer while everyone else sat down and watched tv. I think I've checked out too, and I need to remember to get back in the game. Before I would excuse it with "WEll, T needs to spend time with the kids"

It was a good day. Today we're going to go to the pool while T fishes. Then we're going to come home and try to stay cool in our house. Since they cut down Mother Tree, it has been unbearably hot in the house even with the AC cranking. The tree blocked a lot of the sun. Before the living room was the coolest room upstairs, with teh kitchen sweltering. Now the only reprieve we get is down here in the basement. I see me spending a lot more time down here.

2006-07-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

A and T are off on a fishing adventure. It's only 11:45 and it's already hot as Hades out there too. :(

While I was packing a cooler for them, A blurts out in her euphoria "You're the BEST Daddy in the WORLD!" and T looking quite confused, says "Why?" as he is only holding a bottle of Gatorade, and he knows THAT can't be the reason for the title of BDITW, but alas A skips off before giving her answer. I was in the freezer getting ice, and I said "Because you're taking her fishing" In my signature "Duh assclown" voice. Patent pending.

T looked downright sheepish. He hasn't taken her in a good year. But, she adores it, and to know that this one little selfless act on his part garners him the BDITW title I think broke his heart a little. She has begged, and pleaded and fit pitched. She cried everytime he went with my dad and didn't take her.

It's little things like this that shows how much T has been "gone" from us. Before ever the loving huband and father a year would not have gone by without taking his child fishing. Before being the ever diligent dad there would have been trips to the park, excursions in kite flying, bike riding adventure. All that had left. It's like he was away on a trip, and he got a second rate stand in to do the bare minimum while gone. He went to work, and he took the trash out, and he ate my food but he wasn't a valued part of the family.

If anything, this experience taught me to appreciate my husband more. Because he's back, and absence does make the heart grow fonder, even if the person never actually left. Sometimes emotional absence can seperate two people as much as an ocean can, but you have the added bonus of going through the motions, and trying not to smother the other person with your memory foam pillow every night.

I also realized that my insecurities I was feeling and the constant need for sex was my pathetic cry for attention from him. When we were having sex, at least he was paying attention to me. But, today I have a clogged ear, a wicked headache, and enough green goo coming out of my nsoe to keep Nickelodeon in Slime for a year. I layed on my couch, and he came in, he sat down, put my head in his lap, and stroked my hair, and my face. Then my boobs, and then my legs. When I rolled over, we quite literally put our heads together. LOL but, it was nice, and before he would have taken that opportuntity to play computer poker. He knew I was sick, he knew he was going to be gone today and tomorrow and he wanted to let me know he still cared, while he got to cop a feel.

It's all about compromise.

2006-07-01T21:27:00.000-07:00

Our company just left. I swear I know I bitch a lot about these people, but the more I hang out with this wife the more I just don't get it.

She decided to regale me with what she thought was a hysterical recount about how she and DH got free baseball tickets and they called couple A, who said no, so she called couple B (Who happens to be my best friend M who is currently dating and in love with Ms. Boresalots friend) and ooops she kept saying SATURDAY, so she had to tell couple B, sorry, I should really call couple A and reoffer with the correct day. I saw this as a big ole "Let me tell you how much more I like couple A and B than I like you. You're not even Couple C in our book, you're like couple D or maybe even F. I'm going to ask EVERYONE BUT YOU to go to the ball game, and because you're so low down in my alphabet couple's list you get the ADDED BONUS of HEARING about how you weren't even considered for the extra tickets.

Thanks, thanks a lot.

Me being me, I HAD to say something. I probably WOULDN'T have said anything but, while I was in Ireland my Dh went to her house and helped HER dh with their hardwood floors, and then a few weeks later when he got free tickets, he didn't even CALL T to see if he wanted to go. DId I mention that T and this guy grew up together?

I got to thinking about it, and I think we're the Karens of the group. KAren is the person everyone hates, but still hangs around with them. When Karen is gone, everyone is like "Fucking Karen, I hate her" and then when she comes around they say "Heeey Kare! What's up?"

That's us. We're the Karens.

I'm just making myself feel better by saying she's just intimidated by me, and doesn't like having me around because I steal her thunder. Yeah that's it.

I know what you'r thinking.... "Fuck Karen! Just go to bed"

A simple thank you. It's always the little things.

2006-07-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we waited on pins and needles for the verdict. Will T get a four day weekend or will he have to go to work on Monday? It was a nail biter for sure! Even though T's office made goal, they couldn't get a 4 day weekend unless the district made goal!

Around 6 I called and kinda gave him a hard time about not having left yet blah blah blah. Not my usual pms-y screaming self (it's one of lifes ironies that the time of the month T needs to work a lot of extra is MY time to foam at the mouth and go extra crazy) I just got a little huff but I didn't hang up on him or anything. Even when he called back to say he had to stayl about 20 minutes, I didnt even get loud.

I headed to the grocery store with the kids, and realized the place I went to didn't have pineapple rings. I called him to ask to pick some up. When we got home, I pulled in, and by the time I got the kids out of the car, he pulled in as well. I had bought a cheap bottle of wine at the store, and told him about it. He laughed and said he bought a six pack. This is funny because we never drink if we don't have company. The fact that we BOTH though some alcahol sounded yummy is funny. Ok, you know if I have to explain why it's funny, it's not right? So, I'll just say what every person says when they tell a suck story.... you had to be there.

Anyway, we got the grill together, while they kids ate their dinner. We were stadning outside drinking our drinks and talking. He turned to me and said "Thank you" and since I hadn't handed him anything, or fondled his balls at that moment, I asked what the thank you was for. He said "For being so understanding about work today" I almost cried. It's those little things you know? I then said "Well, thank YOU for being more involved with the family. When you come home and interact with us, it makes it easier to be understanding when you do have to work late" Which is the God honest truth. T has had family interaction coming out of his ASS he's so into his kids again. It's like having my old T back (getting ready to cry at this moment) he's out there catching lee lee bugs (thats what J calls lightening bugs) he spent an 2 hours last night in the dark playing with slugs with the kids.

He said he is sorry that he was doing that, and that he was LOOKING FORWARD to his next counseling feather. Slap my ass and call me Sally. My husband who claims to not like to talk about himself wants to talk about himself. I got to thinking today, it must be a freeing thing for him. Having permission to say whatever he wants to say, when he wants to say it.

On another note, yesterday they cut down Mother Tree. The tree in our front yard that was sick. A had named it Mother Tree, and was devestated when I told her they were cutting it. They did it while she was gone and when she came back the yard was depressingly bare :( I had the guys cut two inch circular slabs and I'll have our friend cut one in a shape of a heart, and engrave "Mother Tree" with 2006 on the bottom, so that no matter where we go, Mother Tree with always be with A.

2006-06-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

Uuuuggggghhhhh I think I may be getting SICKER if that's possible. My throat has started to hurt, hurt like when I had strep. I also had a headache and felt tired.

I'm really hoping I don't spend my weekend sick with strep.

2006-06-29T13:45:00.000-07:00

If you ever need a reality check and a little perspective in your life go watch Cinderella man. I have watched this movie twice, and each time it touches me in such an emotional way. The things they had to do just to EAT breaks my heart. When May sees her son sick on the bed, and has to go outside to cry, I cry. When Jimmy comes home and finds out she farmed out the kids ince they were cold and sick and there was no electricity my heart breaks. When Jimmy goes and applies for assistance and still doesn't get enough to turn the heat on, and has to go to his old boxing buddies and beg, I am embarrassed and humbled with him.

It's also about hope. When Joe is sitting in his fancy Manhattan apartment that now houses two folding a chairs and a small table and that's it, becuase he sold the last of his stuff to front Jimmy on a hunch that Jimmy has it in him again, my hope is with him. When Jimmy pays back the asssistance he recieved over time all $323 of it, my pride is boundless.

It's an excellent movie about the strength of family and what we would do for our loved ones. The sacrifice of parents, and a lesson on the desperate times of our great grandparents trying to raise a family during the depression. That not to long ago, people lived poorly, lived in a way that we could never imagine in this time of McDonalds and Ebay. When whether or not you ate, depended on whether or not you got picked at the docks or if the homeless shelter still had soup. Where things like a birthday cake was a luxury and you hoped your child didn't get sick from having a piece.

My favorite line is when Jimmy is asked what made him a better fighter this time around, he says "I know what I'm fighting for now" and when the reporters asks what that is, he says quite simply "Milk"

Amen James Braddock, Amen.

2006-06-29T09:56:00.000-07:00

I am not a celebrity gossip whore. I don't visit www.perezhilton.com or anything like that. What I do know is what I pick up on the radio and from what my sister talks about. SHE is a celebrity gossip whore, and I think SHE is the one who ultimately turned me off the whole deal.

There was a point when I seriously contemplated a People subscription. I would engage in celeb gossip with my sister. Yet, as time wore on my sister become obsessed. Allowing the stuff she heard to influence her opinion on everyone. Someone had a good interview? She'd go out and buy their CD or DVD. Someone was snooty to a waitress in Omaha? She'd sneer at their movies, and refuse to watch the show they were one. Someone was just a train wreck? Oh well then they were fun to watch and poke fun at.

Everything I heard or read was with a grain of salt. I was smart enough to realize that there are publicists controlling all that. There are people you never hear of leaking and dimissing everything out there, and we see what people want us to see. When people say "Awwww only Angelina can make a nursing bra look good" I think "Set up by her publicist" Now Brad Pitt has been a dad for what? A minute and has been voted father of the year. It's all a set up.

I guess I don't get how PASSIONATE people get about celebrities. They LOVE to either love them or tear them apart. If they're too celebity-ish people bitch, of they're too real, people bitch. Britney goes on Tv looking like a hot mess, she gets crap, she goes on the cover of Bazaar looking hot thanks to a lot of airbrushing, she gets crap.

I think everyone should go read a BOOK and stop obsessing over celebs. How's that?

2006-06-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

Summer sickies have hit us in the face, causing us all to walk around with snot dripping from our noses, and hacking up a lung. The kids have been hit pretty bad. Although they aren't on deaths door, they sound like adults when they start coughing, and have the the goopiest eyes this side of the Mississippi River. I actually took the little guy in for the goop eye, but he just has a cold in them.

A has been wanting to skip Day Camp more and more. I think she is having issues with the counselors which is something I was afraid of going into this. The civic center here lives by the saying "You get what you pay for" I should have learned my lesson with the "gymnastics" class. I use the quotes becuase it should have been "Teen Gossip Hour, now with flipping toddlers"

She has made a few comments about the counselors that I jsut let go. The counselors are kids. Her counselors were probably the newbies and got stuck with the little kids (A is in the youngest age group) and really aren't into it yet.

This morning A again didn't want to go to Day camp. She already missed a day on Monday. I was pretty pissed. I told her that she couldn';t sit around and watch tv, or play nintendo, or play on the computer. Not till three. She decided pretty quick she'd go then.

I start to get her lunch ready, and I see her lunch box is full with her lunch from teh day before. Not a thing eaten or even opened except for the drink. I asked her about it, thinking she'd say she wasn't hungry and she said that she spilled her drink and tht it made such a mess it took her WHOLE lunch time to clean it. :( I asked if she told her counselor and she said "She told me to get a paper towel and clean it" I bet THAT bitch ate HER lunch.

I was furious. I called my sister and she said she'd bring it up to the head of the camp. I told her No I would talk to her, and she said "No thats ok, we'll take care of it" The girls got a talking too.

It just made all the other things seem bad. Like there has been a girl bullying A. When she said something to the counselor the counselor said "Oh we're all going to the same place" basically reprimanding A for being a tattle tale and condoning this girl with jumping the line.

Then I felt bad for pushing A to go.

Reliving the hot and fast days as best we can at 30.

2006-06-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

Friday night we had a surprise 30th bday party. I had reservations about the place of the bday party, but figured I'd give it a chance, as it's a place for kids. ( http://www.citymuseum.org/home.asp ) Not quite CEC but, close. Trust me, the website makes it look a LOT cooler than it really is.

Or course, we're going to go and rock out with our cocks out,and hang our with our wangs out, and try to recapture some of the youth that so quickly passed us by. But, you can't do that with baby sitter issues. Becuase you know those darn kids screw everything up. Our babysitter bailed and it was a mad dash and scramble to find a new one. You know what they say though "When God closes a door, it makes you have to call the annoying couple that refers to themselves a your "lifesavers" for the rest of the night" But, they kept the kids all night, so we were happy about that, and were ready to PAR-TAY people. Not just party. PAR-TAY!

Had anyone else thrown the party, I would think that it was meant to be ironic and kitshcy, but with this particular couple it wasn't that. It was just becuase wifey liked it, and wanted to have her sons bday party there,(who's three) and couldn't afford to at the time, so she decided her DH was an acceptable substitute and forced all her friends to sit in a birthday room off the skateless skate park (why not just call it the "run down the ramp at break neck speed" park? Or the "Why the fuck do we have a skateless skate park" park? ) eating carboard pizza and cookie cake.

Of course there was no beer or smoking allowed in said party room, so most the time we sat in a bar that was trying to hard to be cool and eclectic drinking crap beer, as they only served ONE kind, and its the ONE kind that tasted like ass. You could get beer elsewhere in teh museum but, they sold UBER crap beer at those places. While a band made up of long haired 15 yr olds, jammed out very loudly with their 15 yr old groupies yelling "we love you!" And I'm not exaggerating about them being 15. I'm being GENEROUS when I say they were fifteen.

Being resourceful adults and seeing the obvious joy in wifey and Dh at being at this place of wonderment, we all tried to be lively, and jokey and have a good time. We ate our pizza, and cookie and we went to go "play" The place is a maze of tubes and tunnels, made of metal. Some tubes going very high up off the ground. Like 2nd story. Since I was having a friday night AWAY from kids, I quickly came to realize that being around hundreds of screaming kids wasn't fun. Also, since I can break into a nice sweat from just SITTING, pulling my body weight through tubes and tunnels several yard off the ground where gravity make me much much heavier wasn't happening either. So while the wee old trying to be young dorks ran off (my dh included) the other party poopers sat around watching a pretty hard core dodgeball game for two.fucking.hours. Since it was night, a lot of the fun things for adults were closed, no awesome glass blower, no fmaking an ashtray of clay. Nothing, nada except some tubes, a tank full of fish and the mean spirited dodgeball game. When the "kids" came back they were drenched in sweat and sore.

After that though we hit a bar and went to a friends house and hung out so all was not lost. The highlight though, was the hot hot and kinda drunk sex at 4 am, and sleeping in till noon the next day.

2006-06-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

So, yeah I blew it.

T and the kids have been gone ALL DAY and what did I do? I went and sat around my moms ALL day. I'm always complaining about how I never get coveted time alone at HOME and so T obliges me, and I realize there isn't anything I wanted to do at home.... so I left.

Actually I left to sign A up for soccer and got there only to be told it's tomorrow. I got my dates confused. DUH! So, I stopped by my moms and have been there pretty much all freaking day. What T doesn't realize though is that it was still nice to know that they were gone, doing their own things. I could sit there at my moms and not worry about T being stressed out with them, or being bored, or needing me home for something.

It's been a good day and I'm grateful for that.

2006-06-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

Today has not been an awesome fun day. A left her freaking swimsuit at Day Camp two days ago. I spent an hour last night looking for it, and then this morning T dug through our dumpster. Nothing. I asked her three times this morning if she knew where it was. Finally she told me. She left it in the corner of the dressing room because someone threw her plastic bag away (they ask that all kids bring their stuff in a plastic bag for space) and she didn't want to get my sisters car wet, so she just.... left it there.

I was so mad! So, we had to go and get a NEW swimsuit on the offchance that maybe they didn't have it, and if they did have it, it was probably mildewy and gross. So, packing up the kids, going to Target, getting her IN the suit and there at the camp at 9 am was not fun. Good thing I did though as they couldn't find the suit.

I stopped by my moms and then decided to check out a local grocery store for the Ultimate Beach Ball sprinkler, for $8.99 They opened at 9 and I got there at 10:10. THey were ALL GONE!! I consoled myself with the fact that if it was at Aldi it probably sucked ass. But, apparantly they are THE thing for this summer. :( I have looked at a ton of places online and they are all out of stock including the Little Tykes website. And it has a 4 1/2 star rating on Amazon too. Potter Barn kids has their version for $20 or so but I dont know if it will be as good.

So thats been my day. T goes for his first counseling session in 10 minutes.

Oh and why the hell did I tell my mom about this? I don't know I am a moron I guess. She tried to tell me that T needs more time to himself. That a man can't be expected to you know, be involved with his FAMILY or anything.

2006-06-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say I haven't been updating because I am off saving the world, or at the very least cleaning my house and interacting with my children. Oh no. Not so.

It first started off with Fish Tycoon. A fun little game where you breed and sell fish to buy more fish to breed and sell and so on and so forth. Then I got bored of that, and then I moved on to Cake Mania and Saints and Sinners Bowling. I beat Cake Mania and now have moved on to Diner Dash 2.

So, yeah my house was a mess, my kids neglected, and the world has gone unsaved BUT I have bred three of the seven magic fish of Isola and saved them from extinction, baked enough cakes to save my grandparents bakery, help my friends renovate and drum up business for their resteraunts to keep them out of the clutches of Big Corp, and won like 5 bowling tournaments and have like 2k in prize money.

Hmm when I put it that way, it doesn't sound to shabby. Maybe I should start writing about my games more often. I sound downright active when I do.

A lost a front top tooth. Is that not the most adorable? About a billion times a day I ask her to show it to me. When I see that little hole, I just grin! I call her the "toothless wonder" and depending on her mood its either funny or mean. Since I can never tell what mood she's in its pretty hit or miss.

Wow. That girl has grown up SO much over the last year. I am constantly amazed. She is wearing her hair up now in the "messy bun" as I call it. You take a rubber band and you wind it around ponytail style twice and on the third time you time pull the hair all the way through it, which makes a sloppy little bun that is adorable. What's funny is that my sister Bo wears it the same, so when she picks her up, they look cute together. She is DARK. The darkest I have ever seen this child. Even with sunblock she still gets dark. She's started to get a few adorable freckles on her face. She is taller. She acts more mature. OH! And she sounded out and wrote a letter to her pen pal.

I started and stopped this because J got into the garage and was ringing the shit out of A's bike bell. I went upstairs and we got caught up in a rousing game of cars. LOL

Problems at home.

2006-06-19T08:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sure everyone knows as I posted it on my boards that we've been dealing with issues at home with internet porn. Everytime I've sit down to write an entry I start rambling about it and it get convaluted with crap and I just have to delete it. Those entries though have been cathartic and we've worked through most of it, and are now ok with one another. A lot of things not related to porn were said both good and bad, but all of it helpful in the healing process.

What still remains the same is our love for one another. T has been more connected with the family and loving, generous and thoughtful. I don't know how long this will LAST but, for now it's nice.

We're thinking about marriage counseling but its tough to find the right people to talk to. It all boils down to one factor. Money. We can't afford $85 a week for counseling. T is getting himself set up on base with a counselor tomorrow. I told him to ask about marriage counseling as well. I would think the military would have marriage counseling available.

The hardest part is support for me. I don't have anyone to support me in all this, as I refuse to tell my family. My sister will just tell me how her DH doesn't ever look at porn, and my mom would just say how it's normal and to get over it. Plus, I know they'll be thinking "WEll, maybe if you lost a few pounds he wouldn't have to" All of my support has been online (I love you guys) but honestly the lack of responses from some people have hurt me. Then again I don't want fake hugs so I guess not saying anything would be the better option. I may have to start seeing my own counselor and see if they can help us with "family counseling" which is covered under our insurance. If not I'll just go it alone. It can't hurt right?

2006-06-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

Did I say A was being fuss free? Holy crap we've gone back to fucking tears every morning. She hates her new sandals (that she picked out by the way) and she doesn't want to wear tennis shoes. On and On. Shoes are going to be the fucking death of me I swear. I can understand kinda crying about brushing her hair. It hurts. But, shoes? Yesterday it took about 15 minutes to get her SOCKS on. I finally had to put them on and tell her to "get over" the bumps in her socks. It's fucking ridiculous. I try to be understanding. But, its not just the bumps, she gets mad if they're warm. She'll go so far as to put them in the freezer.

We found out that should wear sandals with straps that stay secure to the foot. That's all well and good but there are two problems with that. Firstly, A doesn't like those kind. She likes flip flops. Secondly, they don't a lot like that in A's size. Everything is a flip flop, or has lights (I refuse to buy those. Even A will pick up a pair of shoes and slap them to ensure they don't have lights becuase she knows I won't buy them.) or have some type of dangerous wedge or heel which are not conducive to a fun good time. That is unless your fun good time is to have your daughter standing on the street corner to turning tricks.

We finally found a pair and they're PINK and BARBIE two things I think A hates more than anything. But, the thought of wearing sandals over tennis shoes was a enough to get her to say "I'll take 'em" out of sheer desperation. They had some cute girly white sandals but she dubbed them to "Whitey" I don't know if she's meant the white of the sandal was too bright (they were very white ) or its a new phase where she doesn't want to look like the daughter of "The Man". Whatever the reason, she didn't like them.

This morning, she had them on so loose and she was going to fall and break her neck. So I tightened them slightly. Oh my God, you would have though I put bear traps on her feet! She did everything but try to gnaw at her own ankles to free herself from them.

I told her to take them off and put onher tennis shoes, which she took as "Take off the bear traps and put on the lion traps" FINALLY, I said (well yelled) that day camp wasn't required by the state and if I kept her home for the next six weeks no one would give a flying fig newton except for her. That shut her up, and she went.

Anyway, as she was walking out with my sister, she looked ADORABLE. She is getting SO big. She was wearing a cute little skort and a pink tshirt and she had her hair in a sloppy little bun thing that all the girls are wearing.

Even though she had just pissed me off, she made my heart melt. That's what being a parent is all about isnt it?

2006-06-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

Edy's has a new ice cream out. It's AMAZING. It's got the word NEW splashed all over the fucking carton.

Want to know what it is?

FUDGE RIPPLE.

What the hell? When did Fudge ripple become new? At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy duddy, what the hell is wrong with people these days? I remember when fudge ripple was the good ole stand by. Something to please everyone. But, I guess in this day and age, when you throw everything in a carton of vanilla ice cream and give it a hip funky name, Fudge Ripple would seem like somethng new and inventive.

Also, I have issues with razors. Now they have 4 or 5 blades and vibrate. What the hell people? Give it ten years and they'll be as big as ping pong paddles and a lawnmower engine on it.

2006-06-12T10:09:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew what was normal. Like, there was someone on tv and you could check them out and see "Oh! THATS what a normal person does"

I've noticed that I seem to go into extremes. If I'm happy with my marriage it's all "Yay! Love, and rainbows. Hearts with arrows. Deep girly sighs" If I'm not to happy with it I think "Divorce, I hate him. Grim Reaper, skull and crossbones. Deep mourning sighs"

What's with that? I honestly don't think that's normal. T doesn't either.

Recently, I was in the deep mourning sigh phase. In an argument over the phone he yells "You confuse me!! One day, you're telling me how awesome I am, and the next how much I suck. One minute I'm thinking I'm doing it all right and the VERY next day, you're pissed about something"

Yikes.

I'm glad he said something. Since starting to record my thoughts, I've noticed that I do seem to go from one extreme to the next. I don'tknow how to fix it though. I am sure it has something to do with being mad at myself and taking it out on him.

Humans are just so deeply complex. Even us simple ones. There's so much shit that dilutes your soul and makes you who you are. Sometimes I wish I could strip my soul clean. Start fresh. A blank slate.

2006-06-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

A starts day camp tomorrow. I am both excited for her, and a little nervous. Nervous because that means I must entertain Master J by myself.

A has been pretty pain free the last two weeks of summer vacation. She's been realatively low key and fuss free. The only annoying thing has been animal noises. This is still a favored past time and it's really starting to grate my nerves. She can never be like a cat, meowing quietly and purring. She has to be like a screeching eagle or a roaring lion, or a mad dog. She can't ever be a yippy dog. It's always "ROW ROW ROW" in a deep voice. I even tried yesterday to convince her to be a giraffe. She wasn't buying it.

I am excited for her as she is a VERY social kid which blows my mind. I NEVER had the proverbial balls at that age to just go up to a kid, any kid and say "Want to play with me?" I was always so shy and timid. She needs constant kid interaction and she will definitly be getting it there.

J though worries me. I have a feeling a lot of my time will be spent outside in the hot scorching sun watchng him play.

Anyway it should be interesting.

2006-06-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

Today has been a boring Sunday, but a good one none the less. What can I say? I enjoy being lazy. Sleeping late, eating crap food, reading and playing Fish Tycoon. I'm like a college boy. Right down to the messy living quarters.

Most the times this bothers me. We get so caught up in being like everyone else. What would so and so say if they stopped over right now? Things like that. But, on days like today, I am ok with it.

Often it feels we live our lives for other people. When I mean other people I don't mean our spouses and our children. Other peoples expectations is what I mean. I often think freedom, true freedom is living your life by your own rules and being ok with that. Honestly I dont know many people who live that way. The ones that do are the ones that live in society's "acceptable" range. Clean house, well mannered kids, nice cars. It's these assholes, the ones that are so comfortable in this "norm" that makes people like me miserable.

Well I guess I'm not MISERABLE but I do worry constantly about what I'm not doing "right" I love days like this though. DAys where I am able to let loose and not worry. Feel good about what I have and what I don't have. Sleeping late is not a sin. Reading a book is not evil. Playing Fish Tycoon is not idiotic. Well, ok a little idiotic but I'm ok with that.

As my kid get older I see that lazy days are few and far between. I take them when I can, and am grateful for them.

Mmmmm ham.

2006-06-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

That has been the highlight of my day. My ham sandwhich. Why? Becuase its a certain kind of ham I only buy when it's on sale. When it does go on sale I buy three or four and freeze what I don't use. Lucky for me it was on sale this week. So, I just had the most delicious ham sandwhich.

My sister called to ask if we wanted to go to the water park. I said no, but now I wish I hadn't. I was getting my chicken ready in its lovely bed of marinade and had decided to tell the kids we'd go after I was done. I opened my mouth to say that, when J pipes up with "Mommy I wanna taka nap" The proceeded to whine "Taaakkkaaaa naaaaaappppp moooommmmy. Taaaakkkaaa naapppp puweeeezzzeeee!" So, he's taking his nap.

I guess I'll take that opportunity to clean up (yay) or something.

2006-06-09T19:47:00.000-07:00

Again, nothing much to write. I have started numerous entries and erased them all. All of it was drivel, boring drivel.

Today we did go to the water park, and we had a good time. J is getting more into it, and A saw a friend from school. It was a tad bit to cold for the water park today so J and I sat down in a deck chair for a good bit, snuggling. I bought a pair of those big old lady sunglasses that seem to be in style out of sheer desperation. I NEEDED some and since these are the style they were cheap. Anyway, J decided he wanted to wear them, and he did for about an hour. We ate lunch there and he ate lunch with them on too. It was hysterical. He looked like an old man.

2006-06-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

Feeling kinda down today. I'm trying not to let it affect me to much.

Sometimes I wonder how much of your problems are just a matter of perception? Like WHEN am I allowed to say "Ok, THIS is a problem?"

A few times in the past, I have written about problems, only to have someone say "Well, if you think THATS bad...." like I don't have the right to feel bad about something. That's always been teh attitude of my family growing up as well. Like my feelings don't count becuase in the big scheme of things, compared to other people, I had it good.

Blah.

2006-06-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

Steak. Medium smothered in mushrooms and onions. Huge. Glistening with steak butter. A ginormous baked potato with butter and sour cream with extra salt.

THAT'S what I wish I could eat right now. I've been craving a big fat juicy steak. Preferably one I didn't cook. But, steak is expensive, so we don't eat it much anymore. When I worked and before kids, I'd eat a steak from a resteraunt at least once a week. On fridays me and my SIL would go out to Applebees before they sucked and get the Applebee's sirloin. She'd get hers so bloody, I made her put her menu up in front of her plate so we could still talk, yet I wasn't forced to stare at the bleeding carcass. This was when we were friends. This was when she was with Mike, and life was good and uncomplicated. Before T joined the Navy. SIL and I hung out a lot. Now I realize becuase I was the only one who'd drive her ass around.

Today my plan was to make a pot roast. I pulled it out to late yesterday and it was still frozen when I got up. So, I pulled out some chicken. I went to cook it today, and this horrible smell assaulted my nose. I ended up getting my money back as I had bought it the day before its date. By then though, I was aggravated and we just ate crap for dinner. I just now made white trash doughnuts.

T came home a bit early and cut our grass. I love watching him cut our grass. It stirs up feelings of warmth and homey-ness.

Now the kids are out with T running around. Soon it will be bath time, and then T and I will hopefully sit down and watch a few movies together. He has taken a break from school and I'm hoping we're able to connect on more on a deeper level until he starts back up.

So, I'm trying to fight a headache and just chill for a minute.

2006-06-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

I feel different. Better. Happier. Stronger.

I don't think I felt those things this time last year. There have been some changes and I credit these things for feeling better.

1. A started school and has finally stopped the pitching the fit stage. We can get out of the house most the time and out the door without tears. She's agreeable and she is low maintenance. Amazingly so.

2. J is now two and more independent. Gone are the long baby days of carrying him around, and keeping a constant eye on him.

3. I have broken away from my family. Although we still talk and I still go there to visit, I am not embroiled with them like I once thought. Also, I realized that maybe its not my parents I was so angry with, as its my sister. She and I rarely talk anymore, not out of anger but just becuase we have nothing to say to one another and life has been good. I don't have to hear all the shit my mom says about me, I don't have to hear her negativity. I was so hard trying to hold on to a relationship that was never really there. I'm ok with this.

4. I'm getting sleep. With sleep comes energy and with energy comes the want to DO stuff with my kids. I'm more connected with them than ever before, and I love being a SAHM. I don't nearly yell as much as I used to and my kids seem happier. We go out and do things where before I could spend a whole week in the hosue no problem.

Life has been pretty good over the last year. Sure, I still ahve problems and gripes. WE all do. T works WAY to much, and with him being "home" constantly, we have started taking each other for granted. But, I know when he goes back to a ship we'll go back to the way things were. Even though we do take each other for granted though, we still ahve an amazing love. I completely adore him, and I know he feels the same about me.

2006-06-05T21:21:00.000-07:00

We've been busy as hell the last few days. There's so much stuff and none of it interesting.

So, thats it.

I suck.

2006-06-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

Anne... I have NO idea what a cooter bone is. It was on an episode of SNL during an Apalachian ER skit with Lindsey Lohan. She came in and said "I popped my cooter bone out"